Affair Recovery

Justin - listen, you've got three options. You have to weigh these out against a lot of things (i.e., children, support systems, family, love). 1. You can stay with her, keeping this resentment, hurt and anger you have now. Go to therapy, read books, stay on websites full of bitter stories. You will simply cling to the marriage and hope that you both will change and grow closer. It's not likely to work. 2. You can leave her now. Yes, she deserves this. Pull off the band aid now and just end it. If you truly don't believe you can recover from this (love her, trust her, respect her) then you'll both be better off apart. You will hurt, but in another way. You will eventually understand your own issues and be okay...but be prepaid for a whole lot of therapy. 3. You can stay...promising yourself that you are going to eventually let go of this. You will have to release the hurt, pain, betrayal and most of all your ego. If you are BOTH committed to surviving together, then make that decision to swallow your pride. Stop seeing her as an enemy or as the awful person who did this to you. Try and understand look at her as a beautiful person who loves you, but made a horrible mistake. Know she will regret this for the rest of her life. But begin to let it go. Inch by inch. Don't let the fight get the best of you. Know that there will be less and less intrusive thoughts. When your ready, forgive her. I've seen so many couple choose #1. They hold on to the relationship, along with the grudge, anger and resentment. In almost every case, they eventually divorce. They should have just acknowledged the truth that they can't love enough to forgive and chosen #2. I'm one of the option 3 people. I don't forgive my wife yet. I have not built back a total trust and respect for her. I'm still hurt and insecure. But I love her enough to work on those things and be committed to making them happen. She is remorseful, contrite and loving enough to hold on even when I push her away. She wants this marriage to survive and is committed to make any amends she can. She wants to hold our family, and our love, together. We are both committed and know that one day this won't hurt as much. It is so much better now that a year ago. It is NOT easy and I still have regular break downs. But we have promised to fight for our marriage. Give it more time and gauge if you feel better now than from D-day. Then from now to three months from now. If you feel better, you know what you should do. Try less venting and resist holding onto that resentment. It will help ease the painful reminders. Acknowledge your sadness. Let your soul relax and you will see the path you are meant to take. We all with you luck in whatever you decide to do.