Hi Sharon. It has been almost 3 years since my D-day. My husband had multiple affairs, with women at work and a few he met online. I understand your pain. The first woman my husband slept with pursued him by letting him know she thought he was "sexy" at an after work gathering (drinking was involved), and started messaging him on his private gmail account. But...in the end, it was my husband's choices and actions that led to his involvement with her. I held her responsible for her part, as well. But...in the end, he is my husband, and he is who made promises to me. Our marriage (23 years at the time of discovery) had issues and through counseling and therapy we have been working on these things, but I do not take responsibility for his selfish and childish choices to dissolve into a world of fantasy instead of dealing with his real relationships and life, and honestly, you shouldn't either. The other woman is cruel because she is also only about herself. It doesn't matter what she looks like, most of these women are the same. See her for what she is, an incredibly selfish and broken individual. She must be incredibly lonely to want to poach on someone else's life.
If you haven't gotten help or counseling yet, please do this. It will help you know how to set boundaries with your spouse and with others. It will help you feel heard and understood. Your husband sounds like he is angry and cruel because he has guilt and shame, and he is a coward. He is too afraid and prideful to look inward at his failings. Instead he is trying to project them onto you. These are not your fault. Quite honestly, when my husband dealt with his deeper issues from his teen years and abuse, got therapy, got in a support group and most of all, truly turned his life over to God, he radically changed. He was free from years of bondage and shame and guilt. He was humble and able to own his issues-and not try to make them about me. Our lives and marriage are very different 3 years in-for the better. The years of pain and heartbreak were hard, and I still get triggers now and then (can't say I'm loving these), but I am grateful that I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel and a much stronger, more honest relationship than we ever had before.
This doesn't always happen. I have met many people on this journey that had very different endings. It takes your husband humbling himself and getting help for my scenario to happen. If your husband doesn't choose this, you can still get help. I am praying for you. God can help you get through any scenario, if you will surrender it to him. He will walk with you through it, and when necessary, carry you. Let his people help you as well. This sight and program are a great place to get that kind of help. Some local churches have programs and individual counseling is a God-send. Be graceful to you, and know God is holding you in his arms, if you'll only let him.
Heartbreak
Hi Sharon. It has been almost 3 years since my D-day. My husband had multiple affairs, with women at work and a few he met online. I understand your pain. The first woman my husband slept with pursued him by letting him know she thought he was "sexy" at an after work gathering (drinking was involved), and started messaging him on his private gmail account. But...in the end, it was my husband's choices and actions that led to his involvement with her. I held her responsible for her part, as well. But...in the end, he is my husband, and he is who made promises to me. Our marriage (23 years at the time of discovery) had issues and through counseling and therapy we have been working on these things, but I do not take responsibility for his selfish and childish choices to dissolve into a world of fantasy instead of dealing with his real relationships and life, and honestly, you shouldn't either. The other woman is cruel because she is also only about herself. It doesn't matter what she looks like, most of these women are the same. See her for what she is, an incredibly selfish and broken individual. She must be incredibly lonely to want to poach on someone else's life.
If you haven't gotten help or counseling yet, please do this. It will help you know how to set boundaries with your spouse and with others. It will help you feel heard and understood. Your husband sounds like he is angry and cruel because he has guilt and shame, and he is a coward. He is too afraid and prideful to look inward at his failings. Instead he is trying to project them onto you. These are not your fault. Quite honestly, when my husband dealt with his deeper issues from his teen years and abuse, got therapy, got in a support group and most of all, truly turned his life over to God, he radically changed. He was free from years of bondage and shame and guilt. He was humble and able to own his issues-and not try to make them about me. Our lives and marriage are very different 3 years in-for the better. The years of pain and heartbreak were hard, and I still get triggers now and then (can't say I'm loving these), but I am grateful that I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel and a much stronger, more honest relationship than we ever had before.
This doesn't always happen. I have met many people on this journey that had very different endings. It takes your husband humbling himself and getting help for my scenario to happen. If your husband doesn't choose this, you can still get help. I am praying for you. God can help you get through any scenario, if you will surrender it to him. He will walk with you through it, and when necessary, carry you. Let his people help you as well. This sight and program are a great place to get that kind of help. Some local churches have programs and individual counseling is a God-send. Be graceful to you, and know God is holding you in his arms, if you'll only let him.