Thank you for your newsletter. My husband and I are just past the one year anniversary of my coming out about an affair that grew over the course of a year, and our committing to repair our marriage. I have learned so much about human nature and our ability to block out the things we don't want to see, and the fleetingness of emotions that seem so real when you are in them. What started out as an innocent trust of someone who claimed to be a healer and offered to help me through a traumatic crisis in my life evolved into an emotional affair that nearly destroyed my marriage. Without the right influences at the right time, the right counseling, the right responses from loved ones, this could have easily ended in a divorce as so many do. And the reality is that it isn't easier. I see it in family members and their children and its heartbreaking to know that they will never have a family again that is truly unconditional. When you break a bond of marriage, particularly when raising children (I believe the hardest time in my marriage), your relationship doesn't end, it complicates. I could never have believed that I would love my husband again but I was reluctantly (angry even at times) but willing to give it that last shot because he was a good dad and I couldn't bear taking the kids away from him. We both took steps to claim our part in the damage that was done and made real, drastic changes. We both had made damaging choices that led us apart and for the first time had to face them. At first it was going through the motions but there came a moment, after weeks of work and a trip away to focus on just us, when we both realized the gift we had and how no other person would be able to replace the bond between us. No person would share the love we shared for our family, our children, the history that brought us to this place. And it was like a switch went off from one day to the next. In our case, unbelievably, and with a miracle, our relationship was stripped of every facade and expectation from anyone else and it was down to us. We took responsibility for our actions and accepted the consequences. We were able to see that we could love each other truly, unconditionally. Not just because it was the right thing to do but because it was everything we ever wanted. I'll speak for myself but pretty certain he shares that feeling because we talk about it. It doesn't mean we don't have bad days, they come and go. I know the reminders of my betrayal are still painful and he has to decide to let them go as I have to deal with my guilt. But they have lessened. It doesn't mean pain doesn't resurface at times, we still have to take steps to reconfirm our relationship in the busy-ness of life. There is no doubt in my mind that now, more than ever, I am blessed with the man God gave me. So unbelievably grateful. I read these articles and finally know I owe my AP nothing. He doesn't exist for me any more than I for him. I now see that had I followed my passion in that moment and pursued some fantasy person, who really didn't exist, my family would be broken. I would be starting over on a false foundation and soon enough our flaws would be revealed, reality would set in. There is no dream person out there and to live in an affair is just an escape from reality and from doing the work we are here to do. Neither one in an affair is really in a relationship with another person but a mere mirage, one that is tempting when life gets so hard. I know I'm married to my dream man, the one still full of flaws (not abusive ones) but who is ok with my flaws too amazingly. The one who stood by me through everything and will stand by me no matter what. And I will do the same. What more could I want? We accept each other now as we are but only because God gave us the gift of letting go of the past. Its gone. It only serves as a reminder of the rare and precious gift it is to know someone so completely and love them through this complicated learning process we call life. May God give you that gift of forgiveness and acceptance. May you feel some hope that the commitment you made in marriage can carry you through the darkest time, a time that can lead us to want to give up on life even, and to know that there is love and laughter and hope and joy on the other side. Reality can be a good thing. It can be better than you imagine.
Living in a dream
Thank you for your newsletter. My husband and I are just past the one year anniversary of my coming out about an affair that grew over the course of a year, and our committing to repair our marriage. I have learned so much about human nature and our ability to block out the things we don't want to see, and the fleetingness of emotions that seem so real when you are in them. What started out as an innocent trust of someone who claimed to be a healer and offered to help me through a traumatic crisis in my life evolved into an emotional affair that nearly destroyed my marriage. Without the right influences at the right time, the right counseling, the right responses from loved ones, this could have easily ended in a divorce as so many do. And the reality is that it isn't easier. I see it in family members and their children and its heartbreaking to know that they will never have a family again that is truly unconditional. When you break a bond of marriage, particularly when raising children (I believe the hardest time in my marriage), your relationship doesn't end, it complicates. I could never have believed that I would love my husband again but I was reluctantly (angry even at times) but willing to give it that last shot because he was a good dad and I couldn't bear taking the kids away from him. We both took steps to claim our part in the damage that was done and made real, drastic changes. We both had made damaging choices that led us apart and for the first time had to face them. At first it was going through the motions but there came a moment, after weeks of work and a trip away to focus on just us, when we both realized the gift we had and how no other person would be able to replace the bond between us. No person would share the love we shared for our family, our children, the history that brought us to this place. And it was like a switch went off from one day to the next. In our case, unbelievably, and with a miracle, our relationship was stripped of every facade and expectation from anyone else and it was down to us. We took responsibility for our actions and accepted the consequences. We were able to see that we could love each other truly, unconditionally. Not just because it was the right thing to do but because it was everything we ever wanted. I'll speak for myself but pretty certain he shares that feeling because we talk about it. It doesn't mean we don't have bad days, they come and go. I know the reminders of my betrayal are still painful and he has to decide to let them go as I have to deal with my guilt. But they have lessened. It doesn't mean pain doesn't resurface at times, we still have to take steps to reconfirm our relationship in the busy-ness of life. There is no doubt in my mind that now, more than ever, I am blessed with the man God gave me. So unbelievably grateful. I read these articles and finally know I owe my AP nothing. He doesn't exist for me any more than I for him. I now see that had I followed my passion in that moment and pursued some fantasy person, who really didn't exist, my family would be broken. I would be starting over on a false foundation and soon enough our flaws would be revealed, reality would set in. There is no dream person out there and to live in an affair is just an escape from reality and from doing the work we are here to do. Neither one in an affair is really in a relationship with another person but a mere mirage, one that is tempting when life gets so hard. I know I'm married to my dream man, the one still full of flaws (not abusive ones) but who is ok with my flaws too amazingly. The one who stood by me through everything and will stand by me no matter what. And I will do the same. What more could I want? We accept each other now as we are but only because God gave us the gift of letting go of the past. Its gone. It only serves as a reminder of the rare and precious gift it is to know someone so completely and love them through this complicated learning process we call life. May God give you that gift of forgiveness and acceptance. May you feel some hope that the commitment you made in marriage can carry you through the darkest time, a time that can lead us to want to give up on life even, and to know that there is love and laughter and hope and joy on the other side. Reality can be a good thing. It can be better than you imagine.