Hannah, I'm very sorry it's been your only reward. you're right in feeling the anger and pain you probably feel, like none other. i get it. vengeance only lasts for so long and usually damages us when we do it. i can't nor won't convince you to see that, but my hope is that somewhere else, there may not be a 'reward' per se, but there may be some healing for you. there is a bottom unless the unfaithful tries to keep it from you, then the bottom seems to get further and further away. i'd caution you though, there isn't enough vengeance in the world to bring healing. it will only cause you to be angrier and angrier with bitterness and resentment being some of your best and only friends.
your only reward