Dennis, my sincere apologies for only just now responding.
I wanted to honor my husband and the pain he went through, and take care in my response to you, with respect to your individual situation.
My husband is someone who is acutely aware of his emotions and can express his feelings very well. He has always been able to translate what his pain feels like in grave detail, but even so, I have come to realize I CAN'T truly know his pain. But I was/am always aware when he is IN pain.
We have gone through different stages in our ability to communicate. At first, his feelings and pain came out in rage and anger (as it should) and I didn't have the ability to sit and hear it. My own shame and despair, was louder than his pain. THAT in itself was also very painful for him, because he had nowhere for his pain to land. I couldn't sit with him in it.
It took a long time, as you read in my post, and work for me to actually hear him, and begin to genuinely BE sorry, not just feel like a sorry person. Does that make sense? So when I would shove his pain away, it was because I hadn't dealt with my own, and had a lot of work to do (self-awareness and repentance). I regret that I wasn't able to meet my husband in his pain, but I was a very unhealthy person (rotten heart and selfish intentions, spiritually lost). I know that it takes an openly repentant unfaithful spouse, for reconciliation and healing to occur. I pray that will be/is the case for you and your wife, and sooner rather than later. However, I also know that in our situation, me as the unfaithful, could not be the person to counsel or be therapy for my husband. He did get relief early on by making it known when he was in pain, but that was not the ultimate solution for his healing. In fact, it hurt me really bad, so I withdrew as much as possible.
I think (especially living on his own) that he did start praying and I know he tried to "think" his way through what I did. He kept coming back to the same theory -- that the person who did that to him, was NOT the wife he married, was NOT the wife he loved and trusted. He did have to come to a point where he could see me (consistently [keyword]) being a contrite and repentant person. He watched my habits, watched how I overcame stressful situations (differently), watched how I responded to his pain, watched what I said, who I said it to. That was part of it.
He told me that when I could meet him in his pain (where we'd both cry) and he would feel heard, he would be attracted to me. We fought through being intimate for a few years. It was difficult and felt empty, and we always had the cloud of my betrayal over us. He described it as we always had someone else with us, or he didn't feel like himself. I had stripped him of his confidence, of his masculinity, in that realm.
Honestly, I will tell you, the thoughts that remain about the affair I had were not about sex, at all. It was about attention and escape for me. Fantasy, but not sex. He never could believe that, but I have nothing to hide now. That's the truth. But the thoughts of sex are THE thing that haunts my husband. I would give ANYTHING to undo this, and choose to NOT be unfaithful. ANYTHING. I would give anything to take those thoughts, triggers, memories, trauma and pain and (wasted) years and destruction away from my husband. Over time, he began to believe I was truly sorry and saw me trying to be a better person after all this. He has seen me love God, he has seen me minister to others, he has seen me put my needs last. But it took time.
Another big issue for my husband is that he did not want this to pass on to our two kids. He was adamant that this generational sin (this happened in my parents' marriage) would not ruin another family. He truly held it together longer than anyone would ever expect someone to. I was awful. And I as I mentioned before, it wasn't just the pain of my affair (+refusing to reveal), but all the horrible things AFTER. Blaming him, not taking responsibility, not listening, not apologizing, then pushing him away. He had a lot of opportunities to get out, to escape the hell I put us in, but he stayed.
We eventually began to see each other with new eyes and show up for each other in new ways, which allowed for new/different intimacy.
It's been 5.5 years (more blogs and pieces of our story to come) and we have a better physical relationship now then we ever did together. I know my husband always has that in his mind that what we had was no longer that same, but we have healed in ways we never thought possible.
At about the 3 year mark, where you are now, I remember him saying that all that remains is a shell of what we used to be. That what I saw, the empty, unloving, man was "what I got", and that's all I was ever going to get from him. He told me it made him a worse person, and angry, unforgiving person. Someone he never wanted to be. He said we would remain together as partners for the kids, but I would never be loved by him again the way I wanted.
Slowly, his forgiveness began, his anger faded, his hope returned and his heart began to heal. I know he still thinks about it, and has hard days and triggers, but we DO talk about it, and he feels heard now. In the last 1.5 years, the Lord has given us so many opportunities to become closer and to restore our marriage.
Dennis, my sincere apologies
Dennis, my sincere apologies for only just now responding.
I wanted to honor my husband and the pain he went through, and take care in my response to you, with respect to your individual situation.
My husband is someone who is acutely aware of his emotions and can express his feelings very well. He has always been able to translate what his pain feels like in grave detail, but even so, I have come to realize I CAN'T truly know his pain. But I was/am always aware when he is IN pain.
We have gone through different stages in our ability to communicate. At first, his feelings and pain came out in rage and anger (as it should) and I didn't have the ability to sit and hear it. My own shame and despair, was louder than his pain. THAT in itself was also very painful for him, because he had nowhere for his pain to land. I couldn't sit with him in it.
It took a long time, as you read in my post, and work for me to actually hear him, and begin to genuinely BE sorry, not just feel like a sorry person. Does that make sense? So when I would shove his pain away, it was because I hadn't dealt with my own, and had a lot of work to do (self-awareness and repentance). I regret that I wasn't able to meet my husband in his pain, but I was a very unhealthy person (rotten heart and selfish intentions, spiritually lost). I know that it takes an openly repentant unfaithful spouse, for reconciliation and healing to occur. I pray that will be/is the case for you and your wife, and sooner rather than later. However, I also know that in our situation, me as the unfaithful, could not be the person to counsel or be therapy for my husband. He did get relief early on by making it known when he was in pain, but that was not the ultimate solution for his healing. In fact, it hurt me really bad, so I withdrew as much as possible.
I think (especially living on his own) that he did start praying and I know he tried to "think" his way through what I did. He kept coming back to the same theory -- that the person who did that to him, was NOT the wife he married, was NOT the wife he loved and trusted. He did have to come to a point where he could see me (consistently [keyword]) being a contrite and repentant person. He watched my habits, watched how I overcame stressful situations (differently), watched how I responded to his pain, watched what I said, who I said it to. That was part of it.
He told me that when I could meet him in his pain (where we'd both cry) and he would feel heard, he would be attracted to me. We fought through being intimate for a few years. It was difficult and felt empty, and we always had the cloud of my betrayal over us. He described it as we always had someone else with us, or he didn't feel like himself. I had stripped him of his confidence, of his masculinity, in that realm.
Honestly, I will tell you, the thoughts that remain about the affair I had were not about sex, at all. It was about attention and escape for me. Fantasy, but not sex. He never could believe that, but I have nothing to hide now. That's the truth. But the thoughts of sex are THE thing that haunts my husband. I would give ANYTHING to undo this, and choose to NOT be unfaithful. ANYTHING. I would give anything to take those thoughts, triggers, memories, trauma and pain and (wasted) years and destruction away from my husband. Over time, he began to believe I was truly sorry and saw me trying to be a better person after all this. He has seen me love God, he has seen me minister to others, he has seen me put my needs last. But it took time.
Another big issue for my husband is that he did not want this to pass on to our two kids. He was adamant that this generational sin (this happened in my parents' marriage) would not ruin another family. He truly held it together longer than anyone would ever expect someone to. I was awful. And I as I mentioned before, it wasn't just the pain of my affair (+refusing to reveal), but all the horrible things AFTER. Blaming him, not taking responsibility, not listening, not apologizing, then pushing him away. He had a lot of opportunities to get out, to escape the hell I put us in, but he stayed.
We eventually began to see each other with new eyes and show up for each other in new ways, which allowed for new/different intimacy.
It's been 5.5 years (more blogs and pieces of our story to come) and we have a better physical relationship now then we ever did together. I know my husband always has that in his mind that what we had was no longer that same, but we have healed in ways we never thought possible.
At about the 3 year mark, where you are now, I remember him saying that all that remains is a shell of what we used to be. That what I saw, the empty, unloving, man was "what I got", and that's all I was ever going to get from him. He told me it made him a worse person, and angry, unforgiving person. Someone he never wanted to be. He said we would remain together as partners for the kids, but I would never be loved by him again the way I wanted.
Slowly, his forgiveness began, his anger faded, his hope returned and his heart began to heal. I know he still thinks about it, and has hard days and triggers, but we DO talk about it, and he feels heard now. In the last 1.5 years, the Lord has given us so many opportunities to become closer and to restore our marriage.