We've been in counseling since the entire truth came out...we did about 4 months with our first marriage counselor. My husband went back and forth between being open to the process, and being very closed off....where he will flat out refuse to talk, pray, even go to church. After 14 sessions, the counselor "fired" us, saying that unless he was open and willing to be in the process and take responsibility for his actions and reactions, she wouldn't be able to help us. I have kept seeing her as my own counselor. I've been working on my people pleasing tendencies and unhealthy need for affirmation, which were definitely some of the contributing factors.
About three months ago, we started seeing a new counselor together, and for the last month, have been meeting with a "mentor couple", rtedan older couple from our church that we both respect. It hasn't helped. He continues to find more and more things "wrong" with me...complains about my cooking, parenting, the clothes I wear...literally anything and everything. A sweet gesture, or a glimmer of "trying" will be sprinkled in now and again...but he has also started drinking more and more, and will make references to suicide from time to time.
Last night we met with our mentor couple, and I told him I needed him to get help, for the sake of his health. I asked him to stop drinking for three months, to go to the doctor for an evaluation, and to go to a counselor or anger management group. He could not agree to these things, and was still calling me names, and justifying his actions, saying that everything he has done has been an appropriate response to my 6 week emotional affair and the subsequent lying. I then told him that since he is still unwilling to work toward reconciliation, and is still treating me so poorly, I need to separate until he IS ready. I went back and forth for so long with this decision, but I know I am not loving him well if I continue to tolerate his crazy behavior and let him spiral down any further. I will never be perfect enough to earn his forgiveness...and that's not how it works, anyway.
Knowing that doesn't make it any easier, though....
we have had help...
We've been in counseling since the entire truth came out...we did about 4 months with our first marriage counselor. My husband went back and forth between being open to the process, and being very closed off....where he will flat out refuse to talk, pray, even go to church. After 14 sessions, the counselor "fired" us, saying that unless he was open and willing to be in the process and take responsibility for his actions and reactions, she wouldn't be able to help us. I have kept seeing her as my own counselor. I've been working on my people pleasing tendencies and unhealthy need for affirmation, which were definitely some of the contributing factors.
About three months ago, we started seeing a new counselor together, and for the last month, have been meeting with a "mentor couple", rtedan older couple from our church that we both respect. It hasn't helped. He continues to find more and more things "wrong" with me...complains about my cooking, parenting, the clothes I wear...literally anything and everything. A sweet gesture, or a glimmer of "trying" will be sprinkled in now and again...but he has also started drinking more and more, and will make references to suicide from time to time.
Last night we met with our mentor couple, and I told him I needed him to get help, for the sake of his health. I asked him to stop drinking for three months, to go to the doctor for an evaluation, and to go to a counselor or anger management group. He could not agree to these things, and was still calling me names, and justifying his actions, saying that everything he has done has been an appropriate response to my 6 week emotional affair and the subsequent lying. I then told him that since he is still unwilling to work toward reconciliation, and is still treating me so poorly, I need to separate until he IS ready. I went back and forth for so long with this decision, but I know I am not loving him well if I continue to tolerate his crazy behavior and let him spiral down any further. I will never be perfect enough to earn his forgiveness...and that's not how it works, anyway.
Knowing that doesn't make it any easier, though....