i was responding to someone else when your comment came in, so I hope you see this soon. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. I think what you've done is HUGE AND INCREDIBLY COURAGEOUS AND THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE for sure. I know it's gut wrenching. i know it's scary. i know it's incredibly intimidating, but I will tell you I think it needs to happen. I think he's crossed several lines and if he's unwilling to get help, and unwilling to go with you to get the right help, you have very little choice but to do what you're doing and find help for your own healing and your own journey and let him have some time alone with his thoughts, rage and bitterness and sort that out. to me it sounds like you've done all you can to get at least some kind of help and some kind of recovery work and own it, but you can't make someone get help and heal.
now, if there is change or if there is some form of willingness that comes, I'd recommend nothing short of the ems weekend. he needs help from experts, who have been through it before and can get to the deeper issues he's facing. he MAY even be dealing with PTSD like symptoms with that form of rage and anger. ...just a thought as it happens quite often.
at any rate, I would do al the work you can right now to get healthy. i'd be on the site as much as you can, take hope for healing, watch videos etc etc. this is the time to do all you can to get as healthy as possible and find the right perspective so that IF he is one day willing, you'll be able to be in a much better place and help him even more.
is there anything else I can do for you? i'm so proud of your courage in the midst of incredible pain and humility....
proud of you...