Dday1

Christmas Day 2012 was Dday 1 for me. I was treated horribly on that day and humiliated in front of my family. Since then, for the past two Christmases, I have spent the day alone, with no one, not even my grown sons and their families. I just can't be around anyone. If I could skip the holidays altogether and go and hide out until January 2, I would be good with that. We are still married but living as roommates because I can't stand the thought of his dirty hands touching me after they touched her. Our 37 year marriage is no longer pure and that eats at my heart. His 20 year relationship with his coworker ( 2 physical affairs within that relationship- that I KNOW of) has destroyed my joy in life. I feel robbed of those years now. All I want to do is isolate. I still have meltdowns because of the many gaps in his story that do not add up. I do not trust. He says he is trying, but he is still getting angry and emotionally abusive when I ask questions about the affairs. . I want nothing to do with Christmas, except to go to church, and yet I have to fake it so my kids and grandkids won't be disappointed. I am so emotionally exhausted.