“It still hurts” I can imagine how much pain you’re in, especially after that many years and feeling so lost about how to move forward with so much pain. I understand similarly, and have been through many years that brought up wounds from even earlier in my marriage that we did not manage well back then. Unfortunately, my spouse had emotional affairs years earlier and we did not know how to handle them back then, so at the time, we basically swept them under the rug until those emotions from the past would bubble up to the surface in anger and I would just lose my temper, somewhat like a volcano. So when the truth came out that he had been involved with someone for over 3 years, I was shocked to say the least. I had no idea how to deal with my past emotions, after not grieving earlier, then added another major layer of pain on top of old wounds.
I think the biggest help for me now, after years, was finding AR’s videos, because they have so many helpful resources that helped me better understand a more valuable way to identify how I was feeling, which helped me realize what I was going through, and that what I was feeling was normal and understandable, given what I was trying to deal with. Another huge additional help was when we went to EMS weekend with AR, because they helped both my spouse and myself to express what we were going through, and that we were not alone. The tools and skills we learned through that course have been incredibly healing. Which was naturally a huge relief, especially since we had tried several different marriage counselors before, including in the immediate aftermath of learning about his long term affair. Recognizing that I must’ve been in shock at first, made so much sense to me. Learning so much more about infidelity has helped me too, but I think for me the best way for me to know what to do, or how to move forward has been one of the greatest words of wisdom from another woman at the retreat. She said to me, “don’t listen to his words, watch his feet” which has been incredibly comforting to know the difference. So many times in our past my husband would make empty promises based on his emotions, without recognizing what needed to be done, at the time.
Since EMS, he has realized he needs to dive deep into true recovery work, and has recognized that he could no longer promise things to me, without knowing what was involved in those promises. He has learned that while he wanted to be faithful, without seeing that he needed help to learn from his past, he now knows how much work, and what can be done, to make sure he is keeping himself safe, with the right help to give him the strength to overcome what he didn’t learn in his childhood. He has been given a gift of reconciliation and is doing everything he possibly can to make sure he is worthy of that gift. When before he acted as if I was crazy for being so hurt by his online emotional affairs, and thought he automatically deserved my grace, and now he knows how wrong that thinking really was. The actions he’s taken since then have really helped me know what to believe, and when his words matched up with his feet (actions), I knew I could begin to trust him slowly again.
I will say that once we finished the EMS program, we both enrolled in the H4H, and HH courses respectively. I found so much se full knowledge about grieving in that course. I know it was a short 13 weeks, and while they mentioned several times how important the grieving process is, but to keep going back through the work to recognize the full cost of the betrayals, and make sure to take it slowly while working through all there is to process.
I have only been done with the HH course for a few months, but I know I just pulled out my book, and reviewed quite a bit with some additional grieving this time, from more lies to process, and information that came out later. Knowing that I can process fully, at my own pace, and without being rushed by my spouse, has been super comforting as well. He has given me as much times as necessary to work through so much, and I appreciate not feeling rushed with my processing that I need to do, because there was just so much pain added together. It’s so comforting that we can discuss everything calmly now, what we were both going through back then, during the affairs. He’s also continued to diligently work on his own recovery, which I am appreciate for, as I know that any marriage is work, especially one with any infidelity.
Anyway, I am truly sorry for all you’re going through, and wish you full healing, as you process your spouse’s betrayal. I know it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But luckily now, with a good roadmap of how to work through it all. I am definitely feeling more positive about our relationship, and learning to trust my husband, and myself again. Please remember your emotions are valid, and give yourself time, and grace to properly grieve. As cliche as those words are, I can attest to how true they really are. Good luck, friend!
“It still hurts” I can
“It still hurts” I can imagine how much pain you’re in, especially after that many years and feeling so lost about how to move forward with so much pain. I understand similarly, and have been through many years that brought up wounds from even earlier in my marriage that we did not manage well back then. Unfortunately, my spouse had emotional affairs years earlier and we did not know how to handle them back then, so at the time, we basically swept them under the rug until those emotions from the past would bubble up to the surface in anger and I would just lose my temper, somewhat like a volcano. So when the truth came out that he had been involved with someone for over 3 years, I was shocked to say the least. I had no idea how to deal with my past emotions, after not grieving earlier, then added another major layer of pain on top of old wounds.
I think the biggest help for me now, after years, was finding AR’s videos, because they have so many helpful resources that helped me better understand a more valuable way to identify how I was feeling, which helped me realize what I was going through, and that what I was feeling was normal and understandable, given what I was trying to deal with. Another huge additional help was when we went to EMS weekend with AR, because they helped both my spouse and myself to express what we were going through, and that we were not alone. The tools and skills we learned through that course have been incredibly healing. Which was naturally a huge relief, especially since we had tried several different marriage counselors before, including in the immediate aftermath of learning about his long term affair. Recognizing that I must’ve been in shock at first, made so much sense to me. Learning so much more about infidelity has helped me too, but I think for me the best way for me to know what to do, or how to move forward has been one of the greatest words of wisdom from another woman at the retreat. She said to me, “don’t listen to his words, watch his feet” which has been incredibly comforting to know the difference. So many times in our past my husband would make empty promises based on his emotions, without recognizing what needed to be done, at the time.
Since EMS, he has realized he needs to dive deep into true recovery work, and has recognized that he could no longer promise things to me, without knowing what was involved in those promises. He has learned that while he wanted to be faithful, without seeing that he needed help to learn from his past, he now knows how much work, and what can be done, to make sure he is keeping himself safe, with the right help to give him the strength to overcome what he didn’t learn in his childhood. He has been given a gift of reconciliation and is doing everything he possibly can to make sure he is worthy of that gift. When before he acted as if I was crazy for being so hurt by his online emotional affairs, and thought he automatically deserved my grace, and now he knows how wrong that thinking really was. The actions he’s taken since then have really helped me know what to believe, and when his words matched up with his feet (actions), I knew I could begin to trust him slowly again.
I will say that once we finished the EMS program, we both enrolled in the H4H, and HH courses respectively. I found so much se full knowledge about grieving in that course. I know it was a short 13 weeks, and while they mentioned several times how important the grieving process is, but to keep going back through the work to recognize the full cost of the betrayals, and make sure to take it slowly while working through all there is to process.
I have only been done with the HH course for a few months, but I know I just pulled out my book, and reviewed quite a bit with some additional grieving this time, from more lies to process, and information that came out later. Knowing that I can process fully, at my own pace, and without being rushed by my spouse, has been super comforting as well. He has given me as much times as necessary to work through so much, and I appreciate not feeling rushed with my processing that I need to do, because there was just so much pain added together. It’s so comforting that we can discuss everything calmly now, what we were both going through back then, during the affairs. He’s also continued to diligently work on his own recovery, which I am appreciate for, as I know that any marriage is work, especially one with any infidelity.
Anyway, I am truly sorry for all you’re going through, and wish you full healing, as you process your spouse’s betrayal. I know it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But luckily now, with a good roadmap of how to work through it all. I am definitely feeling more positive about our relationship, and learning to trust my husband, and myself again. Please remember your emotions are valid, and give yourself time, and grace to properly grieve. As cliche as those words are, I can attest to how true they really are. Good luck, friend!