Thank you for sharing your story of recovery. You are kind and generous people to share your story of pain and reconciliation. I appreciate you and the work you have done.
And now my question or, really, an observation. In all of your story I never heard you talk about how Michael's specialness brought you back to the marriage and/or makes you want to stay in the marriage. You mentioned being motivated by the desire to do the "right" thing, by a fear of damnation, by a fear of regret, and by a sense you were going against God's purpose for you. But I never heard you say that Michael was someone special who you wanted to be with because of who he is and his qualities. At least in the initial stages of reconciliation it was really the opposite: you didn't want him, you didn't want intimacy, you were doing it in spite of yourself.
The reason I bring this up is that my wife's affair struck at the heart of my fears of adequacy. Her affair deeply wounded my already fragile self-esteem. Like you--and like all unfaithful spouses--my wife rejected me for another. She compared me with another (consciously and unconsciously) and found me lacking. I find my self looking for and needing evidence that she now esteems me and finds me desirable. I realize this last part gets at that very complex subject of co-dependence. That is, I need to esteem myself and not rely on my wife's opinion of me for my worth. But I can not deny that my belief in self and my belief that my wife loves me has been deeply shaken.
Thank you for sharing. And a question for Melinda.
Thank you for sharing your story of recovery. You are kind and generous people to share your story of pain and reconciliation. I appreciate you and the work you have done.
And now my question or, really, an observation. In all of your story I never heard you talk about how Michael's specialness brought you back to the marriage and/or makes you want to stay in the marriage. You mentioned being motivated by the desire to do the "right" thing, by a fear of damnation, by a fear of regret, and by a sense you were going against God's purpose for you. But I never heard you say that Michael was someone special who you wanted to be with because of who he is and his qualities. At least in the initial stages of reconciliation it was really the opposite: you didn't want him, you didn't want intimacy, you were doing it in spite of yourself.
The reason I bring this up is that my wife's affair struck at the heart of my fears of adequacy. Her affair deeply wounded my already fragile self-esteem. Like you--and like all unfaithful spouses--my wife rejected me for another. She compared me with another (consciously and unconsciously) and found me lacking. I find my self looking for and needing evidence that she now esteems me and finds me desirable. I realize this last part gets at that very complex subject of co-dependence. That is, I need to esteem myself and not rely on my wife's opinion of me for my worth. But I can not deny that my belief in self and my belief that my wife loves me has been deeply shaken.
Thanks again for the video.