My wife had an emotional & sexual affair that, like all affairs, involved lots of deception, betrayal not only of me but of our children, & was followed by years of denial & refusal to talk about it. I finally insisted that we talk about it & that she tell me the full truth. A lot more information came out, which was retraumatizing, but at least we were able to resume rebuilding on a firmer foundation. One good piece of news sexually was that she said the sex with the affair partner was never as good as with me & that she never did with him some of the things that we've done over the years. It was good to hear that & I do believe it.
Now, however, she says she has no desire for sex. She feels it's an imposition. She doesn't like talking about it & says we should be content with our memories of good sex (& there are indeed many good memories, for we've had a good sexual relationship despite the affair). Being consigned to an asexual relationship now feels unfair. She was promiscuous before I met her (whereas she's been my only sexual partner) & she had a big fling during our marriage, but now she unilaterally takes sex off the table?!
I realize this has a lot to do with getting older, especially for women, so in one sense it's a separate issue. But, for me, the adultery gets tangled up with that issue, which is painful, hurtful & angering for me. Obviously, we need to have more conversation about this & perhaps counseling.
Complicated
Thanks for the column & all the comments.
My wife had an emotional & sexual affair that, like all affairs, involved lots of deception, betrayal not only of me but of our children, & was followed by years of denial & refusal to talk about it. I finally insisted that we talk about it & that she tell me the full truth. A lot more information came out, which was retraumatizing, but at least we were able to resume rebuilding on a firmer foundation. One good piece of news sexually was that she said the sex with the affair partner was never as good as with me & that she never did with him some of the things that we've done over the years. It was good to hear that & I do believe it.
Now, however, she says she has no desire for sex. She feels it's an imposition. She doesn't like talking about it & says we should be content with our memories of good sex (& there are indeed many good memories, for we've had a good sexual relationship despite the affair). Being consigned to an asexual relationship now feels unfair. She was promiscuous before I met her (whereas she's been my only sexual partner) & she had a big fling during our marriage, but now she unilaterally takes sex off the table?!
I realize this has a lot to do with getting older, especially for women, so in one sense it's a separate issue. But, for me, the adultery gets tangled up with that issue, which is painful, hurtful & angering for me. Obviously, we need to have more conversation about this & perhaps counseling.