Dennis you are definitely not alone as this was one of the hardest parts for me as well! It feels as if something has been taken from you on a very personal level, but putting it into a different perspective helped in my healing. I did a lot of inner work and realized that my inner thoughts kept telling me I wasn’t good enough or I lacked some physical desirable attributes or qualities. I Once I stepped back and questioned those ruminating thoughts of lack, I started to see I was just attacking myself for the sake of being me. Second, I had a lot of conversations with my spouse to share how the physical aspect of her affair made me feel. I was very honest how it made me feel and told her that the physical aspect would be the hardest part for me to get over (**we agreed that if I ever started spiraling with emotions then we would come back to the conversation later in the day as in the immediate aftermath a lot of anger came to the surface very quickly) I clearly communicated so she was aware my healing could not be rushed and I let her know it would require her patience as I did not know how long it would take.To be clear, I didn’t use this unknown timeline as a “weapon” where I got to be angry forever subsequently keeping her in a state of fear, but instead I promised to communicate my feelings and this helped us both. Next, I asked my spouse (didn’t demand it, just asked) to write a letter to me assuming the roles were switched (we did this several months after the affair and not in the most volatile time right after D day). I asked her to “put herself in my shoes” and write me a letter as if I had been the one to strayed with someone she knew. She wrote almost two full pages and told me how much it angered her and hurt her that I would do that. The interesting part was that in her “fake” letter she made many references to the physical/sexual aspect. When she got done reading her letter we talked at length and I think this was a turning point as I felt she finally could relate to my pain and anger. Finally, I surrounded myself with a select few trusted family and friends who I felt comfortable talking to about the physical/sexual aspect of the affair. These individuals in my inner circle were crucial with helping me to truly forgive. Hopefully you have some support as that was critical for me in those moments of anger/resentment/sadness regarding the physical/sexual side of the infidelity. Side note, I chose a support system who wanted the best for me, but also challenged me to grow throughout my healing. I have heard a lot of stories about other betrayed individuals who turn to friends who immediately treat them as victims and continue to reinforce how victimized they were. As you likely know, it’s easy to do that without help, so I personally turned to a few people who would question or challenge my (at many times irrational) thoughts and not just agree with how “wronged” I was. If you put in the time and effort it can get better as my own long and challenging journey is proof. Being a betrayed spouse is not a club I ever saw myself being a part of, but just know you are certainly not alone.
Recovering from the physical aspect
Dennis you are definitely not alone as this was one of the hardest parts for me as well! It feels as if something has been taken from you on a very personal level, but putting it into a different perspective helped in my healing. I did a lot of inner work and realized that my inner thoughts kept telling me I wasn’t good enough or I lacked some physical desirable attributes or qualities. I Once I stepped back and questioned those ruminating thoughts of lack, I started to see I was just attacking myself for the sake of being me. Second, I had a lot of conversations with my spouse to share how the physical aspect of her affair made me feel. I was very honest how it made me feel and told her that the physical aspect would be the hardest part for me to get over (**we agreed that if I ever started spiraling with emotions then we would come back to the conversation later in the day as in the immediate aftermath a lot of anger came to the surface very quickly) I clearly communicated so she was aware my healing could not be rushed and I let her know it would require her patience as I did not know how long it would take.To be clear, I didn’t use this unknown timeline as a “weapon” where I got to be angry forever subsequently keeping her in a state of fear, but instead I promised to communicate my feelings and this helped us both. Next, I asked my spouse (didn’t demand it, just asked) to write a letter to me assuming the roles were switched (we did this several months after the affair and not in the most volatile time right after D day). I asked her to “put herself in my shoes” and write me a letter as if I had been the one to strayed with someone she knew. She wrote almost two full pages and told me how much it angered her and hurt her that I would do that. The interesting part was that in her “fake” letter she made many references to the physical/sexual aspect. When she got done reading her letter we talked at length and I think this was a turning point as I felt she finally could relate to my pain and anger. Finally, I surrounded myself with a select few trusted family and friends who I felt comfortable talking to about the physical/sexual aspect of the affair. These individuals in my inner circle were crucial with helping me to truly forgive. Hopefully you have some support as that was critical for me in those moments of anger/resentment/sadness regarding the physical/sexual side of the infidelity. Side note, I chose a support system who wanted the best for me, but also challenged me to grow throughout my healing. I have heard a lot of stories about other betrayed individuals who turn to friends who immediately treat them as victims and continue to reinforce how victimized they were. As you likely know, it’s easy to do that without help, so I personally turned to a few people who would question or challenge my (at many times irrational) thoughts and not just agree with how “wronged” I was. If you put in the time and effort it can get better as my own long and challenging journey is proof. Being a betrayed spouse is not a club I ever saw myself being a part of, but just know you are certainly not alone.