so it's a tough question.....and it's tough to ask so i'm glad you did. if you stuff down your true answers, your only perpetuating the problem and dysfunction. i would see someone who is an expert who can help you both mediate conversations so that you can share your heart, frustrations, concerns etc in a way that doesn't seem like you're blaming her for your affair. but, that you do have concerns and needs and would like to talk them through . what i did that seemed to work well was say 'rick, help me with this. is this valid, or is this a crock of crap? like, this is a concern for me....can you speak to it and either validate it so samantha and i can talk about it, or help me see that it's just not something to talk about right now or something that's just really not true.' he would do just that. so having a third party mediator whose trained and an expert will help you have those conversations in a controlled, objective way. the betrayed bears no responsibility for your cheating. they do bear responsibility for their part in the marriage, as do you. their problems didn't cause you to cheat, as you cheated on your own accord. but, the goal of recovery is not recapturing, but rebuilding and so you're not trying to get what you had. you're looking for the new marriage that is there for you both, should you choose to pursue restoration and i be she doesn't want the old you and i bet you don't want the old new. so finding and building the new you is key. it's normal to ask these things. i'm glad you did. don't stuff them down or else it will blow up in your face and hugely increase your chance at relapse.
tough call i know...
so it's a tough question.....and it's tough to ask so i'm glad you did. if you stuff down your true answers, your only perpetuating the problem and dysfunction. i would see someone who is an expert who can help you both mediate conversations so that you can share your heart, frustrations, concerns etc in a way that doesn't seem like you're blaming her for your affair. but, that you do have concerns and needs and would like to talk them through . what i did that seemed to work well was say 'rick, help me with this. is this valid, or is this a crock of crap? like, this is a concern for me....can you speak to it and either validate it so samantha and i can talk about it, or help me see that it's just not something to talk about right now or something that's just really not true.' he would do just that. so having a third party mediator whose trained and an expert will help you have those conversations in a controlled, objective way. the betrayed bears no responsibility for your cheating. they do bear responsibility for their part in the marriage, as do you. their problems didn't cause you to cheat, as you cheated on your own accord. but, the goal of recovery is not recapturing, but rebuilding and so you're not trying to get what you had. you're looking for the new marriage that is there for you both, should you choose to pursue restoration and i be she doesn't want the old you and i bet you don't want the old new. so finding and building the new you is key. it's normal to ask these things. i'm glad you did. don't stuff them down or else it will blow up in your face and hugely increase your chance at relapse.