Questions About Infidelity

How can Affair Recovery help me?
Is there hope?
I feel all alone, like I am the only one struggling with this. Is that true?
Is it always going to hurt this badly?
Will my spouse ever be able to forgive me?
Is it a problem, or is it just me?
Is this normal, or am I just losing it?
Where did I go wrong? Did I cause this?
Is this an affair or just a slight indiscretion?
What is sexual addiction?
Can a marriage recover from an affair?
Why should I try to make this work?
What if my spouse won't admit there's a problem?
Do you only work with Christians? I'm not sure what I believe.

How can Affair Recovery help me? top of page
Affair Recovery is dedicated to restoring marriages to a healthy state. We offer individual, couple and group counseling to people from all walks of life who struggle with affairs and sexual issues. We also offer the unique opportunity to link up with other couples who have a story similar to yours and have already traveled through this process and have successfully come out on the other side. If you choose, you can also take advantage of our marriage encounter groups, training seminars, and online support for those grappling with the many troubles of sexual addiction.

Is there hope? top of page
We operate under the firm belief that there is always hope. It is central to all we do, and if we did not believe this, we would all go into another profession! We work with real people, facing real problems who initially feel nothing but despair, and ultimately experience renewal and an exciting sense of purpose in a relationship they may have once given up for lost.

I feel all alone, like I am the only one struggling with this. Is that true? top of page
Absolutely not! There are millions who wrestle with the problem of infidelity and sexual addiction or who are affected by a significant other with a problem. Often, people who struggle with sexual temptation feel isolated because they are too ashamed to confess their situation to another, and they may believe that they are alone and flawed. Affair Recovery is here to take the shame out of facing sexual temptation and marital infidelity as we help restore the gift of healthy relationships. Our unique format allows you to address your issues while maintaining your privacy.

Is it always going to hurt this badly? top of page
Although the situation may seem unbearably painful now, it will not last forever. In fact, there are a large number of people with whom we have worked who down the road can look back on the situation and say that although they would not want to go through the pain again, that it was the best thing that ever happened to them because of the positive changes that later came out of it. You will never forget what is happening to you now, but one day, you will be able to look back on it without feeling the pain.

Will my spouse ever be able to forgive me? top of page
Yes, although it is going to take some work. However, the good news is that through education and reconciliation, your marriage might emerge even stronger and more meaningful than it was before the infidelity. The end result of counseling with couples who have been through the Affair Recovery program is often a level of intimacy that before you might not have imagined possible.

Is it a problem or is it just me? top of page
If you suspect that your spouse is caught up in an affair or other destructive behavior, any sexual acting out that your partner may be involved in outside of your marriage is a problem. In many cases, your spouse may make you feel like you are the cause of such behavior, but this is a hollow and false justification for the behavior. No matter how they spin it, there is without question a problem with what your spouse is doing.

If you are in an affair or any sexual indulgence outside of your marriage, it is a problem, even if it is just at the fantasy level. It's a problem regardless of any justification you may have told yourself.

Is this normal or am I just losing it? top of page
Experiencing betrayal in a marriage can cause all sorts of chaotic and confusing feelings. One of the most perplexing is often a profound sense of aloneness. When you feel such isolation, you might have all kinds of questions about what is happening, who you can talk to, if your feelings are normal or if you are really losing your mind. This experience has a way of causing individuals or couples to lose equilibrium and leave them clueless about what direction to take. We try to provide a sense of direction through our marriage mentors, our groups and our material. The intense pain and confusion of these situations can cause extreme reactions in both mates, but God provides a way through this valley, and we will help you find others who have successfully navigated their way through as well.

Where did I go wrong? Did I cause this? top of page
Sometimes it is difficult to pinpoint where someone's compulsive sexual activity originated because many factors lead to sexual betrayal in marriage. Often, people hope that by getting married they will cure their compulsive behavior once and for all. The problems are not so easily buried, however, and the behavior will usually re-emerge in the marriage. Because affairs are the end result of so many things, if you are wondering if you did something to cause your spouse's behavior, rest assured the answer is no. All marriages have deficits and all marriages have difficult problems, but not all marriages experience affairs as a result of these problems. The good news is, now that the behavior is in the open, you can work towards resolving it and discover healthy ways of addressing the issues in your relationship.

Is this an affair or just a slight indiscretion? top of page
It doesn't really matter because the consequences to the relationship are essentially the same. An affair by definition is a betrayal of the marital relationship, for it violates the covenant that two people made. People involved in affairs are generally aware that their actions would be viewed as breaking the commitment to monogamy that they made with one another. It makes no difference whether or not the person involved in the affair believes the behavior is acceptable or not, for the very fact that the actions are secretive reveal that the person consciously knows that their behavior is unacceptable. Secrecy is nothing more than an attempt to avoid the consequences. There are four primary types of affairs: one night stands, entangled relationships, sexual addiction and soul mate relationships. All of these violate the boundaries of the marital relationship.

What is sexual addiction? top of page
Sexual addiction is a sickness involving any type of uncontrollable sexual activity. Like alcoholism or drug dependency, it involves a pathological relationship with a mind-altering chemical. In the case of sexual addiction, the mind-altering chemical is the biological-emotional rush or reaction that comes with the behavior. Because of the pathological nature of the activity, it represents dysfunction in one's life.

Can a marriage recover from an affair? top of page
Absolutely! We believe that God is capable of doing all things, and that some of His greatest miracles are worked through the healing of marital relationships rocked by betrayal and pain. We find that more than 90% of the men and women who participated in our couples groups have not only recovered, but also report that their marriages are actually better than before. Couples who go through the healing journey address not only the devastation of the betrayal, but also work to correct other weak points in their relationship.

Why should I try to make this work? top of page
At Affair Recovery, we encourage individuals and couples to be obedient to what God is telling them, even if it does not make sense at the time. We hope that you will consider the time and work that has been invested in your marriage up until now. Even if it feels like a lost cause, these broken places are often where God has the greatest opportunity to work the most profound growth in our lives, and it is in such seemingly impossible places where His power, grace, and glory is most often displayed. Also consider that refusing to be obedient to God's calling has consequences for us and our children. Divorce and separation leave a legacy that increases the probability of failed marriages in the future.

What if my spouse won't admit there's a problem? top of page
It is not necessary for your spouse to admit there is a problem for God to begin working. God does not allow these types of situations in our lives to bring problems to us, but rather to reveal problems in us. The healing process may well begin as we stop living to the demands of our spouse and begin looking to God for our peace and security. As we place our faith in God, in time He will reveal His truth to us. In the meantime, there are others who have been where you are now who can help you uncover the truth as well as provide their insight and support on how to survive the ordeal you are facing. We can help you with this.

Do you only work with Christians? I'm not sure what I believe. top of page
While we approach things from a biblical Christian perspective, we do not require our clients to profess a particular faith. We will be open about what we believe and expect the same of those who are working with us. We often find that working through the devastation of an affair or sexual addiction causes people to seek spiritual solutions, and our approach may meet that need.