Cycle of Change

Today's gift is a lecture on how people change. How do you know if your mate is on track with their recovery? How do you know if it's safe to stay? What sustains us in recovery? All of these questions, and more, are addressed in this video.

Take advantage of it while you can. I promise it will give you a way to understand some of this insanity.


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The Cycle of Change

This is such good information.  I am the deceived spouse and I needed to hear all of this.  I am in the beginning stages of looking at reconciliation.  Until I found this material I did not even know people reconciled after an affair.  I thought the marriage was automatically over.  I made the common mistake of after my day of discovery, she repented and then relapsed.  All was forgiven the first time but the second time I was very angry.  I see now that this behavior is common.  She left shortly after the second discovery.  That was four months ago and we have talked very little since.  She has filed for divorce and it will be final in November.  I would like to approach her about reconciliation but do not know the correct way.  We have not spoken in over a month.  This seminar was invaluable to the way a person’s mind works.  I had no idea… 

Thank you so much for these

Thank you so much for these articles and videos. I am hanging on every word and re-reading or viewing to remind me of the peace they bring with more understanding of this process. I am believing for reconciliation, and this is so encouraging when my/his behavior doesn't look like you think it should, but is actually part of the process.

This was so had to hear.

My husbands affair was two years ago. I thought he was trying to make this work. I was so very set that he under NO CONDITIONS had need to contact her. He just told me tonight that he has gone to her workplace to talk twice. She called him today and need to talk and he went. This afternoon he was so guilt ridden that he finally came clean about it. I forgave him the first time but the triggers that brought her back into the forefront just won't go away. No he tells me that he has been in contact with her only to talk. I am so scared! I want my marriage to work. I still love him. He says that he won't ever do it again. But I believed that the first time too. Why am I not enough for him? I thought my heart was healing to only to have not this shadow of doubt but what feels like a thunderstorm of doubt. He swears that this time there was nothing physical. But I do know that if he stays in contact it will only be a matter of time. I want to fight for us but when do I finally put on my shoes and go? I don't want to be in the black hole any longer!!!

Cycle of recovery.

Amazing insight. My husband wants to do the couple ems online. After listening to the video, I wonder if he should do the work of the betraying spouse first. I've learned that I am the motivator for his attempt to change,which is not right approach. This is the second time in our marriage that an affair has happened. My ultimatums did not work the first time. Maybe I should step aside this time? Please respond.

Did you do the course? How

Did you do the course? How are things now?

What about abuse

This was very interesting and did help me understand where my cheating husband is in the recovery process, but I know he is only attending anger management classes for me, not himself. He still refuses to talk to me about his second EA with the same coworker. He talks the talk, says he will do WIT but does not show it with his actions. He is verbally abusive and physically intimidating when I press for affair details. What do you suggest I do? I can't go through this pain again if there is a relapse.

Cycle of change

Thanks for the additional video about the cycle of change. I do think that understanding our motivation is imperative. As the betrayed spouse, and one who desperately wants to rebuild my marriage, it's so easy to stick my head in the sand and just believe everything is going to work out. The reality is, I am about a year out from second discovery and on week 11 of EMS Online. Yet as late as last week, my husband was conducting Internet searches on his AP. Because he want to check on her and know that she's happy. Does that mean he's returned to the precontemplative stage? It seems so to me. The gravity of our always being "two feet from the ditch" is enormous and seems overwhelming to me right now.


I would have to say RELAPSE started way before the action of Contemplation occurred. Months before. If only in the betrayers mind, that's how it starts before moving into contemplative mode. Our thoughts if not fully addressed for what they are regarding the AP (a load of crap by the way), leads one to SUDS and off to the races once again. A betrayer is doing well in recovery Out of nowhere thoughts regarding the AP pop up The betrayer has two choices 1. honesty about the truth of that relationship and stop the fantasy in its tracks 2. dwell on those thoughts and they grow, usually a way to escape dealing with their own truth Honesty about the betrayal has to involve a support group. One that is willing to say it like it is. His betrayal is on him and his AP was nothing more than a big ole LIE! (a year out-grow up) He let his thoughts about his AP grow and moved to action stage. You are officially at D-Day all over again. It doesn't matter if he contacted her or not the fact that he took ACTION to do so tells his truth. He either has not let her go or is 50/50. Ya'll might be on week 11 with EMS, yet his internet search has brought your marriage back to D-Day. If you are in counseling it would be wise to bring that to the table for what it is. Stay as far away from the sand dunes as possible. What is the truth? He broke rule #1. No contact for the rest of his life. Period. Sorry but that is where your marriage is at this point. By his doing, not yours. I won't even address the ridiculous EXCUSE that he wants to know she is happy. Because you could give less than a darn about her happiness, really? The happiness of your marriage is all that matters at this point. Call him on his crap, today! What was your response to his EXCUSE? You are overwhelmed? Why wouldn't you be? Doing EMS together only to find out his mind has been in orbit. That is disappointing and hurtful all over again. I believe it is confrontation time with a trained professional. it is time for him to stop eating denial for breakfast ,lunch and dinner! Jana

I just told my husband

I just told my husband tonight when he again denied he has a problem he needed to look back over our marriage and see that about every 3months there is a new woman he has befriended. He refuses to believe he needs help. But I certainly need help to walk away and figure out why I was never enough. Why he blames everything but his actions. My husband of 20 years was an alcoholic and drug addict so I was totally floored when you compared it to any other addiction. I knew it seemed similar . I need help i don't think I can live another roller coaster life. Why do I choose such men?


Very insightful. Makes a lot of sense

This will make me stay

Thanks so very much for this presentation on the cycle of change. My husband of 27yrs has had 4 sexual affairs with the same affair partner within a continuous emotional affair over 17yrs of our marriage. We have had 4 D days, the last 5 months ago. Until I saw this presentation, I constantly asked myself why I hadn't left him and concluded it was because I was too afraid of being alone. Whilst there may be an element of this I think I was too quick to blame myself and instead your cycle of change helped me to see that each relapse on his part took him back to Determination and WIT it's just that in the past we've not had the right help. It's what I've believed when he has spoken so remorsefully but been baffled why the pain of each D Day wasn't enough to stop him contacting his affair partner when life got a bit tough for him. Counsellors, friends and self help books concentrated on the deficits in our marriage (obviously there are some but not hugh chasms) without addressing his underlying problem. He's doing Help for Healing now and for the first time we are getting things straightened out properly. Thanks you all so much for this.

Such good insights! So true

Such good insights! So true that we forget everything in the midst of temptation.