Maybe it’s because we’re at the first week of the new “911 Marriage” session, but this question keeps coming up. Also, questions like:

• Why did she do it and how could she do that and still want to be with me and love me?
• I just want to understand why it happened? What does the other person have that I don't?
• Why would they risk a life of calm and serenity for excitement with someone who is so messed up and trashy?
• Why do men or women cheat and have no conscience about it?
• Did he ever really love me?
• How does a betrayer think? (i.e. WHAT were you THINKING??!!!!)

Therefore, I’ll take a shot at trying to answer some of the questions.

Why did she do it and how could she do that and still want to be with me and love me?

Behavior doesn’t equal motive. How often have you done something you didn’t want to do? Happens all the time. And while infidelity is horrible, it is certainly something that people can get into and then discover it’s not what they really wanted.

All too frequently we can follow emotions, falsely believing we want something, only to discover once we have it, that it’s not what we want at all. In the moment of truth, when the mistake is discovered, it’s too late. Loyalty bonds have been broken, hearts crushed, vows shattered.

For the hurt spouse, the question remains, “How could you, if you really cared?” The fact is, the caring has little or nothing to do with what they’ve done. What they did happened in spite of the caring. A tragic aspect of these situations is how they actually reveal to the unfaithful mate what they really wanted all along.

The larger issue is usually for the hurt spouse. It may be painful to believe their mate really does care about them because then they might be compelled to consider re-entering the relationship. Time is the only commodity which can reveal the truth. If you’re what they really want, then they’ll go the distance and give you the necessary space to heal.

I just want to understand why it happened. What does the other person have that I don't?

There’s no way to determine the why this year. A lifetime can be spent searching for the why. There are as many reasons why as there are stars in the sky. The complexity lies in the multitude of factors driving that choice.

For some, the infidelity is caused by baggage brought into the marriage. At times it’s a maladaptive response to problems in the marriage. Rather than addressing issues head on, someone may use some form of infidelity as the solution to their dilemma.

At times, it’s about an addiction and at times it can even be situational where someone does something careless in the moment and then feels trapped and unable to disentangle themselves. I’m certainly not minimizing harmful and hurtful behaviors, but it is possible to end up where you don’t want to be.

The other person has many things that you don’t, just as you have many things they don’t possess. Hypothetically speaking, I believe that humans have 20 possible characteristics, but every individual has only 10 of those 20 characteristics and whichever 10 you chose in another, also brings a unique set of negatives. You’re not all that, but neither is the person with whom they had the affair. All that changes is how we view the other person.

Typically, people enjoy how the affair partner makes them feel. Affair partners tend to serve as a vanity mirror and the mate as a makeup mirror. Which is why the affair partner seems to be the preferred commodity, but in the long run it’s just an illusion.

Why would they risk a life of calm and serenity for excitement with someone who is so messed up and trashy?

In all honesty, there is a good chance the person who’s acting out isn’t even thinking about risking a life of calm and serenity for the excitement of being with someone else. The compartmentalization that most addicts utilize separates the two realities in their mind. The risk is part of what brings the excitement, but the reality of losing everything they hold dear doesn’t really hold any weight in the moment. At one level they may be aware that they could lose everything, but the reality of that possibility doesn’t really register in their mind.

It’s a difficult concept to explain to someone who’s not an addict. It’s a bit like trying to describe light or color to a blind person. You can tell them what it’s like, but unless you experience it, then it’s hard to believe someone could actually think this way. However, please don’t hear me saying this is an excuse for this type of behavior. The person who lives like this still does know what they’re doing is wrong and there are ways to deal with their reality, but they have to make that choice.

Why do men or women cheat and have no conscience about it?

I think the author of this question may be asking why do people cheat and have no guilt regarding their actions. Only a very small percentage of the population experience no guilt when acting out. The vast majority feel the prick of conscience, but they use defense mechanisms to push that guilt away.

They can use defense mechanisms such as blaming, victim thinking, minimization, rationalization, or denial as a way to justify their actions and push the guilt away. If they have resentments toward their mate they may justify their actions by feeling their mate deserves it. If they’ve been doing the behavior for a longer period of time, their heart may have become hardened to the behavior and it no longer seems that bad.

A lack of remorse doesn’t mean they have no conscience. It can be an indication that somehow in their mind they have come up with a way to justify what they’ve done in order to avoid taking responsibility for their failure.

Did he ever really love me?

This one is hard to answer. It all depends on how you define love. One thing for certain, if someone betrays their mate, I know what they’ve done is not loving. However, I believe every human being is capable of loving someone and at the same time, in a moment of selfishness, act in ways that are contrary to love. Loving your mate in no way precludes you from being angry with them and saying something hurtful. I understand that saying something hurtful certainly isn’t in the same league as a betrayal, but if your love for your mate isn’t sufficient to keep you from acting in a way that’s unloving towards them, then their love for you may not be sufficient to keep them from doing something hurtful to you.

On the other hand, I believe many people have a very shallow understanding of love. They get married thinking they love their mate, but in reality they love how their mate makes them feel about themselves. If that’s the case, they will continue in the relationship as long as the marriage continues to make them happy. But if, for whatever reason, the marriage ceases to make them happy, or if they find someone or something that makes them feel even better, then it won’t be long until the allure of doing something else begins to draw them elsewhere. If that occurs, does it mean they never loved you? Again, it’s hard to know another’s heart, but it is possible that their journey into the forbidden may have also opened their eyes and helped them realize that you’re what they really cherish. At the very least, if they are choosing to work on the relationship, I believe their betrayal and your response may be the very thing that begins to teach them the true meaning of love.

How does a betrayer think? (i.e. WHAT were you THINKING??!!!!)

Sad to say, if they had really been thinking and considering the impact of their actions, there is a good chance they never would have done this. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard both men and women state if they had known the consequences of their actions before they had acted, then they would have never done it. I think very few people rightly consider all the costs when they act out. For your sake and theirs, I wish they had been thinking. I’d have less business, but the world would be a safer place.

What do you think?
Please let me know if you find this format helpful. I’ve never tried answering questions in the newsletter, but if it’s something you think is worthwhile, then please take a moment and leave me a comment below. If you don’t like this format I’d appreciate your feedback about what would work best for you.