When devastation hits, we embark upon this journey of survival. We begin to wonder, “How do I survive this enormous amount of pain and trauma I’m in? How do I make it through to the other side?” Sometimes, we may even wonder, “How do I make it through today?” What I have found in my own healing from and surviving infidelity efforts is that I’m doing two things simultaneously: learning and unlearning.
As the amazing author Richard Rohr says, when we are in midlife, we are both learning and unlearning. As we grow older and start dealing with real problems in life, we start to realize that we may have to unlearn some of our coping mechanisms if we’re going to be able to heal.
I may not know what you’re facing today, but I do know that you probably came here because you could use some help, some hope and some fresh vision...
Registration for EMS Online Opens Soon. Don't Miss Out!
Spots fill up quickly, so you won’t want to wait to register for our Emergency Marital Seminar Online. Better known as EMSO, this 13-week infidelity recovery course has helped thousands of couples rebuild their relationships and restore their lives. Click the button below to be notified when registration opens back up.
Crisis: It doesn't knock before it enters, it doesn't ask permission, it doesn't ask, "Hey, is this an OK time for me to turn your world upside down?" Crisis just happens. I hate crises; I despise them. Yet, I have learned that my life has been shaped more by my times in crisis — and, by extension, my infidelity recovery work — than my times in comfortable situations.
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Part 1: You Are Not Stupid for Having Been Deceived Part 2: After Betrayal: Don’t Second-Guess Yourself Using 20/20 Hindsight
"How could I have been so stupid?" Anyone who's been betrayed has thought this, felt this and owned this at some point in time. But take it from me: You are not stupid.
Adding salt to the wound of betrayal is a series of self-doubt about who we are, what we are and how we are. After betrayal, we can doubt our value as a spouse and as a person, and we can doubt our intelligence and intuition. When we learn we've been tricked and deceived by the person we love, we can even turn on ourselves and join the proverbial pack of self-hating lions, devouring any shred of self-assurance or confidence that might have remained.
Often, we can miss or ignore the signs that something is wrong. Sometimes it is so well hidden there may not be any signs at all. After betrayal is revealed, we naturally want to play Monday morning quarterback and eviscerate our former...
EMS Weekend Is Back in Person!
Everyone has been asking and the time has come: EMS Weekend is finally back in person! Spots are selling out fast for this life-changing retreat, so make your in-person or virtual reservation today.
Today, I'm going to discuss something that's at the cornerstone of recovery for couples: How to rebuild trust after infidelity. When there's been infidelity of any kind, trust has been shattered. We've heard from marriage experts for decades that trust is the foundation of a marriage. Rick Reynolds, founder and president of Affair Recovery, says this at our EMS Weekends all the time:
"Respect is given, but trust is earned."
Join Us at the Virtual Hope Rising Conference on October 2!
Tickets are now available for our 4th annual Hope Rising Conference for betrayed spouses. Space is limited. Learn more and purchase tickets using the button below.
I think anybody who's gone through infidelity comes to the point where they ask themselves:
"Is there ever a time when there's too much damage to try and recover from?"
It's a legitimate question, and it's a completely understandable question. It's a question that a wayward spouse or a betrayed spouse feels when they're surveying the area, if you will, and wondering, "Is healing after an affair possible for us?"
When you're bombarded with messages from people who are still angry, still...
Not too long ago, someone pulled me aside and asked, “Seriously, how long is it going to be like this?” At our EMS Weekends in person, the conversations inevitably take a turn to these sorts of questions. Often, participants want to know:
I’ve said this before and I’ll continue to say it: We didn’t get here overnight, and we got to this place because of one person’s choice or, maybe, both people’s choices in the relationship. It took time to get to this place that we’re at. There was a slow fade that probably happened, or maybe it was overnight with a one-night stand. But at the end of the day, choices were made over a timeline. We have this illusion that there is a quick fix, that relationships can...
Registration for EMS Online Opens Soon!
Spots fill up quickly, so you won't want to wait to register for our Emergency Marital Seminar Online. Better known as EMSO, this 13-week course has helped thousands of couples rebuild their relationships and restore their lives after infidelity.
The other day, I had someone reach out to me and say, "Sam, what are we to do now? How do we not, I hate to say it, end up like you?" I said, "Well, there are some things you can and should do in recovery." Today, I want to share some of those affair recovery steps with you, and I want to help you right where you're at.
I know this journey can be daunting and disorienting for some of you. I get that; I absolutely understand that. But there is hope for your...
Over the last decade in a half or so, I’ve been doing my own work and had the privilege of watching other people do their work as they heal from infidelity or addiction. During that time, I’ve come to the realization that, in many ways, our healing, our future and our personal restoration require the ownership of two things: our choices and our outcomes.
If I can’t own the choices that I’ve made, particularly as an unfaithful spouse, I’m not safe and I make myself a victim. If we can own our choices, we can own our consequences. And if we own our consequences, we become incredibly safe — both for ourselves and for the betrayed spouse. Alternatively, if I cannot own my choices, then I begin to push away my consequences and I begin to remain angry — even rageful and defensive — because I haven’t owned the fact that I, as an unfaithful, chose to have an...
Part 1: How Couples Can Promote Good Mental Health During and After the Pandemic Part 2: Mental Health and Parenting: How to Support Yourself and Your Kids
Last week, I kick-started the conversation on a really important topic for couples and individuals, both during the COVID-19 pandemic and any time: mental health. I covered depression, anxiety and isolation — among many other topics — and ways to work toward better mental health. If you weren't able to join me last week, I hope you'll check out the article and video here.
Today, I'm excited to continue the conversation that I had with Jeremy Edelen,...
Today, I want to talk to you about a major turning point that happens in all of our lives. This turning point is going to challenge some of you, and it's OK to be challenged in your affair recovery timeline. This turning point is the day when we hold ourselves accountable for our own healing. When I made the shift and began to hold myself accountable for my own recovery, it changed my life, it changed my healing and it changed my heart. At the core of personal recovery work, regardless of what you're going through, is self-responsibility.
When I stopped blaming and fixating on other people, it set me free to be able to go, I am responsible for my own healing and:
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