tough question...

hi Teri.  it's a tough, multi level question.  but i do think the best i can answer that with is that as you're able to work through layers of forgivness, it will help you see him differently.  now having said that, 40 years is a long time.  it's completely understandable you'd feel that way and have a tough time reconciling those two.   so go easy on yourself and give yourself lots of time.  grief work and trauma work is going to be key for you.  i hope you're getting some help like EMDR or ETT ???