hi Teri.  it's a tough, multi level question.  but i do think the best i can answer that with is that as you're able to work through layers of forgivness, it will help you see him differently.  now having said that, 40 years is a long time.  it's completely understandable you'd feel that way and have a tough time reconciling those two.   so go easy on yourself and give yourself lots of time.  grief work and trauma work is going to be key for you.  i hope you're getting some help like EMDR or ETT ???

hi there.  thanks for the question Heidi. for starters, you won't be able to get him to see any of this.  there is no objectivity my friend when you both are dealing with it.  you'll need expert help for sure, that can help him see it.  and that expert help needs to be familiar in infidelity.   would he do the ems weekend as a way of helping BOTH of you heal?  the fact is, as soon as you surrender trying to get him to see things, it will get easier in your own heart and mind.  when i tried to get samantha to see things, i failed.  when i just worked on me and trusted the process of rick and the ems weekend, our lives changed and she changed and i changed tremendously.  without that type of approach, i fear you both will continue to get angry at each other and continue to live in frustration big time.  it's not a 50/50 thing, but he will continue to take that approach till you find a safe place (ems weekend etc) where an expert can take you both through a process of mutual understanding and ownership.  and that expert can say things you can't say as if you say them he's going to get defensive, angry and have his shame triggered.  does that make sense?  great question and i hope this sits well with you.