Different angle on defensiveness

Thanks for helping me understand a little bit better about why my husband gets defensive, especially about intentions(!), but could you go into what the betrayed can do about the unfaithful's defensiveness? Because his affair was "only" emotional and he didn't feel any sexual attraction, he thinks all this "betrayal" stuff is in my head and not real. He refuses to own that he crossed several lines and resents the term "emotional affair." But the stuff I read on this site shows he's acting out typical "unfaithful" behavior. How do I get past his defensiveness so he can start working on healing - not just healing our marriage, but how he sees himself, too?!