I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be incredibly difficult for you especially since he is no longer here and can’t try to apologize or make amends in any way. Now you feel like your entire life with him as been soiled and turned upside down with no way of making it right. I think it comes down to your willingness and desire to heal without his help. I know when I came to the realization that I’d be ok with or without my husband is when I truly began to heal (he had at least two affairs, one physical, one emotional plus inappropriate messaging with a coworker and a one night stand years ago.) I have the benefit of a truly remorseful husband who I can see the tangible ways of change and we’re still together years on. The benefit for you is you can focus on you and your healing without worrying about him, his behavior or if he’s sorry or not. You can work on your own healing. Your pain is no less valid just because he isn’t here or because it was so long ago. Grieving for the marriage you thought you had the pain you now have is vital. I pray for healing and comfort to surround and embody you.
So sorry
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be incredibly difficult for you especially since he is no longer here and can’t try to apologize or make amends in any way. Now you feel like your entire life with him as been soiled and turned upside down with no way of making it right. I think it comes down to your willingness and desire to heal without his help. I know when I came to the realization that I’d be ok with or without my husband is when I truly began to heal (he had at least two affairs, one physical, one emotional plus inappropriate messaging with a coworker and a one night stand years ago.) I have the benefit of a truly remorseful husband who I can see the tangible ways of change and we’re still together years on. The benefit for you is you can focus on you and your healing without worrying about him, his behavior or if he’s sorry or not. You can work on your own healing. Your pain is no less valid just because he isn’t here or because it was so long ago. Grieving for the marriage you thought you had the pain you now have is vital. I pray for healing and comfort to surround and embody you.