So I am listening to Rick's video and I am still not 100 percent sure if I have grieved properly or enough. It has nearly been one year since the disclosure of my wife's 2-year emotional affair with the youth pastor in our church and, while we have been diligently going to marriage counseling almost weekly for the past 6 months and she has been going to individual counseling, I still feel so much anguish and hurt inside every day. A pain that just won't go away, like a misty fog.
It doesn't help that my wife continues to keep her distance is is still so very disconnected from me. We sleep in the same bed, she has allowed herself to be physically intimate, but there is still very little emotional or spiritual connection. She rather spend time alone than together, she doesn't allow me to hold her hand, to cuddle with her on the couch or in bed, to kiss her, to hug her. I know these are issues of hers with me (she found me to be way to "clingy" and "needy" and very insecure and anxious -- which I have been working to not be these things in my personal walk with God over the past 2 years), but it is hard because she still has her walls up with me.
I pray daily and try to just press into God and give my pain to Him to help transform me into a better man of God so I can become a better husband of God. It is so very tough and my wife just tells me to be patient and not put any timelines in place so she can just naturally fall in love with me again. She does not respect me, she does not cherish me and she is not "in love" with me at this point. All she says is she is still here and she is trying to be obedient to God, lifting it up to Him every day.
My patience feels very thin, my emotions still run high, I do my very best to control my emotional triggers as to avoid arguments (which still erupt about every 2 weeks), so I wonder all the time when the shoe is going to drop and she will just say enough is enough and leave. It makes for a very anxious life even as I do my best to turn my fears and anxiety over to Him knowing that perfect love casts out fear.
My key verse is Joshua 1:9 as I try to be strong and courageous while not being afraid or discouraged knowing that God is with me. And if my wife does wind up leaving, I have to believe in my heart that God will be all that I need and He will lead me to a woman that is faithful and will be loving, respectful and cherish the love that I have to give in return. It is so hard because the wife I have now is the one I truly love and want to spend the rest of my life with, but she holds all the cards and all the power and doles out only what she is willing to give.
All the while, I am still grieving what I thought was a better marriage than most had. I treated her like a queen. I treated her better than she deserved. The seeds that I sewed were of love and respect and what I reaped was a bitter, resentful harvest of hate and disconnect. It makes it very hard to trust the Lord when you plant one way and receive another. When you give generously and you reap a venomous snake or scorpion in return. It makes a person very gunshy going forward in life and hard to trust the goodness of the Lord.
Don't know if I am over grieving the loss
So I am listening to Rick's video and I am still not 100 percent sure if I have grieved properly or enough. It has nearly been one year since the disclosure of my wife's 2-year emotional affair with the youth pastor in our church and, while we have been diligently going to marriage counseling almost weekly for the past 6 months and she has been going to individual counseling, I still feel so much anguish and hurt inside every day. A pain that just won't go away, like a misty fog.
It doesn't help that my wife continues to keep her distance is is still so very disconnected from me. We sleep in the same bed, she has allowed herself to be physically intimate, but there is still very little emotional or spiritual connection. She rather spend time alone than together, she doesn't allow me to hold her hand, to cuddle with her on the couch or in bed, to kiss her, to hug her. I know these are issues of hers with me (she found me to be way to "clingy" and "needy" and very insecure and anxious -- which I have been working to not be these things in my personal walk with God over the past 2 years), but it is hard because she still has her walls up with me.
I pray daily and try to just press into God and give my pain to Him to help transform me into a better man of God so I can become a better husband of God. It is so very tough and my wife just tells me to be patient and not put any timelines in place so she can just naturally fall in love with me again. She does not respect me, she does not cherish me and she is not "in love" with me at this point. All she says is she is still here and she is trying to be obedient to God, lifting it up to Him every day.
My patience feels very thin, my emotions still run high, I do my very best to control my emotional triggers as to avoid arguments (which still erupt about every 2 weeks), so I wonder all the time when the shoe is going to drop and she will just say enough is enough and leave. It makes for a very anxious life even as I do my best to turn my fears and anxiety over to Him knowing that perfect love casts out fear.
My key verse is Joshua 1:9 as I try to be strong and courageous while not being afraid or discouraged knowing that God is with me. And if my wife does wind up leaving, I have to believe in my heart that God will be all that I need and He will lead me to a woman that is faithful and will be loving, respectful and cherish the love that I have to give in return. It is so hard because the wife I have now is the one I truly love and want to spend the rest of my life with, but she holds all the cards and all the power and doles out only what she is willing to give.
All the while, I am still grieving what I thought was a better marriage than most had. I treated her like a queen. I treated her better than she deserved. The seeds that I sewed were of love and respect and what I reaped was a bitter, resentful harvest of hate and disconnect. It makes it very hard to trust the Lord when you plant one way and receive another. When you give generously and you reap a venomous snake or scorpion in return. It makes a person very gunshy going forward in life and hard to trust the goodness of the Lord.