For the last year (now 15 months after discovery), my husband and I tried counseling together and that seemed to help, but only until we slipped back into our old routine. So I have been going solo since then, trying to repair our marriage by myself by trying to change him. Two months ago, I found out that my husband had contacted his AP again, just to see how she was doing. I was so devastated and it just brought me back to 15 months ago and I felt like I was reliving the pain all over again. I was sad, and alone and close to depression. I cried daily and my anger towards him grew to all time high. I was so angry that every chance I got that I would throw it in his face, but God knows this wasn't who I was or what I wanted to be.
So I sought Christian counseling and worked through a workbook called Freedom Through Christ with a church counselor. It wasn't until I gave all of it~my anger, my unforgiveness, my mistrust, my guilt, myself~to God and finally began to heal. I needed to stop being a victim of his actions. I needed to stop asking, "Why me?" I needed to stop putting my life on hold, not knowing whether I was going to stay in our marriage or leave. I wanted and needed to change me, not him. It wasn't until then that I realized that for my mental health and physical well being, I needed to change me for me. I cannot control what he does or who he is. I can only be responsible for me.
God has given me the strength to go solo as Rick suggests and there have been some changes in my husband due to the changes I have made in myself. A more loving me certainly has made a more loving him, and I have failth that God will continue to give me the strength to make it through. Now don't get me wrong, I still get upset and am triggered from time to time, and I am far from the doormat wife who is willing to just forgive and forget. But believe me, even if your spouse is not willing to make changes or get the counseling they need, it will make a difference if you do....just for you.
I just thank you Rick for reaffirming what I have learned in the last few weeks. Your timing is incredible!
Going it solo...
For the last year (now 15 months after discovery), my husband and I tried counseling together and that seemed to help, but only until we slipped back into our old routine. So I have been going solo since then, trying to repair our marriage by myself by trying to change him. Two months ago, I found out that my husband had contacted his AP again, just to see how she was doing. I was so devastated and it just brought me back to 15 months ago and I felt like I was reliving the pain all over again. I was sad, and alone and close to depression. I cried daily and my anger towards him grew to all time high. I was so angry that every chance I got that I would throw it in his face, but God knows this wasn't who I was or what I wanted to be.
So I sought Christian counseling and worked through a workbook called Freedom Through Christ with a church counselor. It wasn't until I gave all of it~my anger, my unforgiveness, my mistrust, my guilt, myself~to God and finally began to heal. I needed to stop being a victim of his actions. I needed to stop asking, "Why me?" I needed to stop putting my life on hold, not knowing whether I was going to stay in our marriage or leave. I wanted and needed to change me, not him. It wasn't until then that I realized that for my mental health and physical well being, I needed to change me for me. I cannot control what he does or who he is. I can only be responsible for me.
God has given me the strength to go solo as Rick suggests and there have been some changes in my husband due to the changes I have made in myself. A more loving me certainly has made a more loving him, and I have failth that God will continue to give me the strength to make it through. Now don't get me wrong, I still get upset and am triggered from time to time, and I am far from the doormat wife who is willing to just forgive and forget. But believe me, even if your spouse is not willing to make changes or get the counseling they need, it will make a difference if you do....just for you.
I just thank you Rick for reaffirming what I have learned in the last few weeks. Your timing is incredible!