I already did take the time to improve myself, he after cheating on me has made little to no effords to even communicate. He has so far brought me two gifts, so I know he figures throwing money at it makes it better. He also took me out to eat a few times, that would have been productive, had he also talked, but instead he did his usual huff and puff at the employees for not working fast enough thing. Very annoying to me and makes me feel not even to bother going to eat with him.

So my plan is simple, do the things I need to do to get my life in order and hope he realizes that technically I never needed him. It did stop the feeling that I was good enough for cooking, cleaning and laundering, now I do these things but on my terms, what I like eating, not what he likes, cleaning and leaving his messes for him to clean up. Again annoying since I like it neat, but I can overlook wrappers and socks on the floor easier now. He also does his own laundry now, which he already hinted to me that it is too much for him.

Since we still sleeping in seperate rooms, his room has not seen a vacum cleaner for a year now, neither has his bathroom been cleaned, but unless he asks me to do it and sits down for a good heart to heart talk about dreams, fears and goals for the future, this room mate living does not bother me.

He is trying to figure out how to get his old servant back, but so far has no success in it. Maybe someday, when I get the much needed conversations, I will take back over all the house work, but for now I life my life, from volunteering, hanging out with friends to just plain taking care of me and not at all worry about what he might need. I have healed and changed for the better. As for him, he has yet to find a comfortable life, he did however escape becoming a workaholic, figuring just throw money at the problem.

Not sure if he is able to change, but I can handle this for a long time to come. It does get lonely, but the Spring deadline is coming fast and then I will have to divorce him, to give me a chance to effentually find a man that will love and respect me.

Many things I done wrong, I realize this now, but I am done living my life around him and it feels wonderful.

I read this article and recognize how lucky I am that I have friends that truly want what is best for me (and my wife). When I learned about my wife’s affair earlier this year (~8 months), I told most of my closer friends and figured that they'd lend an ear for a short time but have been amazed at how a number of them actually continue to ask me about how things are moving along, offering their suggestions and insight, and encouraging me along the way. I guess I was so surprised because I had never been this open to my friends as my wife had been my best friend and person I went to for everything (we've been married our entire adult life - a pretty good while as I just turned 38).

Where I struggle with my recovery and reconciliation is the fact that at times I feel like I am the only one that has our marriage as a top priority. If it were up to me, she and I would be reading nothing but self-help books, attending marriage and individual counseling at least once a week, and focusing on re-connecting. But I guess that is where some of our marriage issues came from - expectation-setting. I'm learning that there are other ways of accomplishing a task and that just because it isn't being done the way I think it should be, in the order I believe makes the most sense, and at the pace I'd prefer - doesn't mean she doesn't care or doesn't want to reconcile.

We are both growing at our own pace and I'm learning to be patient and I am so thankful for my friends and counselor who remind me of what she has done and is doing when I start to complain about her pushing out a marriage counseling session or reading '50 Shades of...' instead of a self-help book. It is at these moments that I want to give up and just move forward with a divorce but with two small girls and 20 years of history, I keep going at it for one more day. I don't know how much longer I have in me - we haven't had any level of intimacy or true connection in 8 months - but I want to be able to tell myself and my kids that I fought for our marriage and tried everything I could to get past my issues/hang-ups. I don't want to live a life regretting that I didn't give it my all - looking back on what I wish I had done. It is at times like these that I feel the most compassion for others in my situation (or my wife's) who don't have the support group that is so critical.

Good luck to everyone

My husband is very supportive and we both are working it out together and going to counseling. But one of the hardest things for me is the friends and family that I have lost because I what I have done. But I have come to realize if they were my true friends they would still be my friends. Which most of them have done the same mistake. But they are not my judge, I have one judge and that is Jesus Christ. We have few friends that are supporting us but that is all we need and of course each other.

For the last year (now 15 months after discovery), my husband and I tried counseling together and that seemed to help, but only until we slipped back into our old routine.  So I have been going solo since then, trying to repair our marriage by myself by trying to change him.  Two months ago, I found out that my husband had contacted his AP again, just to see how she was doing.  I was so devastated and it just brought me back to 15 months ago and I felt like I was reliving the pain all over again.  I was sad, and alone and close to depression.  I cried daily and my anger towards him grew to all time high. I was so angry that every chance I got that I would throw it in his face, but God knows this wasn't who I was or what I wanted to be.

So I sought Christian counseling and worked through a workbook called Freedom Through Christ with a church counselor.  It wasn't until I gave all of it~my anger, my unforgiveness, my mistrust, my guilt, myself~to God and finally began to heal.   I needed to stop being a victim of his actions.  I needed to stop asking, "Why me?"  I needed to stop putting my life on hold, not knowing whether I was going to stay in our marriage or leave. I wanted and needed to change me, not him.  It wasn't until then that I realized that for my mental health and physical well being, I needed to change me for me. I cannot control what he does or who he is.  I can only be responsible for me.  

God has given me the strength to go solo as Rick suggests and there have been some changes in my husband due to the changes I have made in myself. A more loving me certainly has made a more loving him, and I have failth that God will continue to give me the strength to make it through.  Now don't get me wrong, I still get upset and am triggered from time to time, and I am far from the doormat wife who is willing to just forgive and forget.  But believe me, even if your spouse is not willing to make changes or get the counseling they need, it will make a difference if you do....just for you.

I just thank you Rick for reaffirming what I have learned in the last few weeks.  Your timing is incredible!

I guess alone is better than not at all. But it is still very painful as the betrayed spouse to work on learning, growing, healing, and have the cheater just be content with hoping it all goes away on its own. Going on 3 years since the first DDay of strong suspicion and 1 year since finding concrete proof, with immeasurable lies and deceit, I can say I have benefitted with minimal/marginal help from my CW. What has helped me most is learning about the dynamics of affairs and find ways to improve my own attitude and disposition. Having some understanding of betrayal, the psychology, mind and thoughts of the cheater and how it happens has provided some solace that I'm not alone, it's not my fault and I do have worth despite how I was horribly disrespected. Learning more about myself, how to improve how I handle situations and finding self worth dovetails well with that. In the end you learn to detach from the cheater's despicable behavior and not let their ignorance drag you down.

What will I do if I found out that my husband talked & contacted the the other person again, after discovering his infidelity & made a promised that he will no longer talk nor contact the person aside from work since they work together. Pls help. I just want to really end this marriage. Although, he claimed that he stopped using escorts 6 months ago, after I found out, too. I just want to keep my sanity & worry about myself. Thank you ! & Gid bless!