There are days that I feel like I am doing this alone...like I am the one starting the ideas, the ways, even intimacy and I am the one that was betrayed. I sometimes want to know... why am I doing all the work and feel like I am a convenience? I mean I do see little moments that my spouse is trying and I give credit and appreciation. But I feel like my spouse should be the one making sure that I have no doubts we are in this together. I know I have things to work on and I am but I need to know for sure if my spouse is in it 100% or if this is just an easy way. HELP!

I already did take the time to improve myself, he after cheating on me has made little to no effords to even communicate. He has so far brought me two gifts, so I know he figures throwing money at it makes it better. He also took me out to eat a few times, that would have been productive, had he also talked, but instead he did his usual huff and puff at the employees for not working fast enough thing. Very annoying to me and makes me feel not even to bother going to eat with him.

So my plan is simple, do the things I need to do to get my life in order and hope he realizes that technically I never needed him. It did stop the feeling that I was good enough for cooking, cleaning and laundering, now I do these things but on my terms, what I like eating, not what he likes, cleaning and leaving his messes for him to clean up. Again annoying since I like it neat, but I can overlook wrappers and socks on the floor easier now. He also does his own laundry now, which he already hinted to me that it is too much for him.

Since we still sleeping in seperate rooms, his room has not seen a vacum cleaner for a year now, neither has his bathroom been cleaned, but unless he asks me to do it and sits down for a good heart to heart talk about dreams, fears and goals for the future, this room mate living does not bother me.

He is trying to figure out how to get his old servant back, but so far has no success in it. Maybe someday, when I get the much needed conversations, I will take back over all the house work, but for now I life my life, from volunteering, hanging out with friends to just plain taking care of me and not at all worry about what he might need. I have healed and changed for the better. As for him, he has yet to find a comfortable life, he did however escape becoming a workaholic, figuring just throw money at the problem.

Not sure if he is able to change, but I can handle this for a long time to come. It does get lonely, but the Spring deadline is coming fast and then I will have to divorce him, to give me a chance to effentually find a man that will love and respect me.

Many things I done wrong, I realize this now, but I am done living my life around him and it feels wonderful.

I am working on my recovery alone now. My husband did participate in the 911 Marriage course and part of the Married for Life course, too. But he stopped working on recovery due to a new job, which lead me to register for anoyher course. I am very glad that I took the Harboring Hope course this summer. Once I resigned from my job, I could finally focus on my own healing after being betrayed. It was well worth the time and money! I have requested my unfaithful spouse to take the Hope for Healing course so certain behaviors and beliefs could be changed or worked on. He won't register for it and I cannot force him to, so I continue on my own path doubting that he wants us to work out. It has been a struggle, especially when the empathy from him has never been there. I know God is my source for healing and it hasn't been all bad in our marriage since dday, but we have made some recent choices that were highly destructive to our relationship after all the months of working on recovery. M It has been up and down emotionally due to the pain inflicted from my spouse's long term affair. I continue to work on myself, seek God, and get support from friends inside and outside the Affair Recovery programs. They have been beneficial, especially when put into application. I do not know our future, but I know I will be stronger and healthier either way.

I read this article and recognize how lucky I am that I have friends that truly want what is best for me (and my wife). When I learned about my wife’s affair earlier this year (~8 months), I told most of my closer friends and figured that they'd lend an ear for a short time but have been amazed at how a number of them actually continue to ask me about how things are moving along, offering their suggestions and insight, and encouraging me along the way. I guess I was so surprised because I had never been this open to my friends as my wife had been my best friend and person I went to for everything (we've been married our entire adult life - a pretty good while as I just turned 38).

Where I struggle with my recovery and reconciliation is the fact that at times I feel like I am the only one that has our marriage as a top priority. If it were up to me, she and I would be reading nothing but self-help books, attending marriage and individual counseling at least once a week, and focusing on re-connecting. But I guess that is where some of our marriage issues came from - expectation-setting. I'm learning that there are other ways of accomplishing a task and that just because it isn't being done the way I think it should be, in the order I believe makes the most sense, and at the pace I'd prefer - doesn't mean she doesn't care or doesn't want to reconcile.

We are both growing at our own pace and I'm learning to be patient and I am so thankful for my friends and counselor who remind me of what she has done and is doing when I start to complain about her pushing out a marriage counseling session or reading '50 Shades of...' instead of a self-help book. It is at these moments that I want to give up and just move forward with a divorce but with two small girls and 20 years of history, I keep going at it for one more day. I don't know how much longer I have in me - we haven't had any level of intimacy or true connection in 8 months - but I want to be able to tell myself and my kids that I fought for our marriage and tried everything I could to get past my issues/hang-ups. I don't want to live a life regretting that I didn't give it my all - looking back on what I wish I had done. It is at times like these that I feel the most compassion for others in my situation (or my wife's) who don't have the support group that is so critical.

Good luck to everyone

It's like you are sending these newsletters in tandem with the stage that I am at in this progress. Thank you so much. I'm hoping for a happy outcome but get stuck so many times waiting.I ask over and over, Why am I not there yet? What does there look like? I have no support except for you and you are truly a positive one. You give me hope when I see just sadness.

My husband is very supportive and we both are working it out together and going to counseling. But one of the hardest things for me is the friends and family that I have lost because I what I have done. But I have come to realize if they were my true friends they would still be my friends. Which most of them have done the same mistake. But they are not my judge, I have one judge and that is Jesus Christ. We have few friends that are supporting us but that is all we need and of course each other.

For the last year (now 15 months after discovery), my husband and I tried counseling together and that seemed to help, but only until we slipped back into our old routine.  So I have been going solo since then, trying to repair our marriage by myself by trying to change him.  Two months ago, I found out that my husband had contacted his AP again, just to see how she was doing.  I was so devastated and it just brought me back to 15 months ago and I felt like I was reliving the pain all over again.  I was sad, and alone and close to depression.  I cried daily and my anger towards him grew to all time high. I was so angry that every chance I got that I would throw it in his face, but God knows this wasn't who I was or what I wanted to be.

So I sought Christian counseling and worked through a workbook called Freedom Through Christ with a church counselor.  It wasn't until I gave all of it~my anger, my unforgiveness, my mistrust, my guilt, myself~to God and finally began to heal.   I needed to stop being a victim of his actions.  I needed to stop asking, "Why me?"  I needed to stop putting my life on hold, not knowing whether I was going to stay in our marriage or leave. I wanted and needed to change me, not him.  It wasn't until then that I realized that for my mental health and physical well being, I needed to change me for me. I cannot control what he does or who he is.  I can only be responsible for me.  

God has given me the strength to go solo as Rick suggests and there have been some changes in my husband due to the changes I have made in myself. A more loving me certainly has made a more loving him, and I have failth that God will continue to give me the strength to make it through.  Now don't get me wrong, I still get upset and am triggered from time to time, and I am far from the doormat wife who is willing to just forgive and forget.  But believe me, even if your spouse is not willing to make changes or get the counseling they need, it will make a difference if you do....just for you.

I just thank you Rick for reaffirming what I have learned in the last few weeks.  Your timing is incredible!

What will I do if I found out that my husband talked & contacted the the other person again, after discovering his infidelity & made a promised that he will no longer talk nor contact the person aside from work since they work together. Pls help. I just want to really end this marriage. Although, he claimed that he stopped using escorts 6 months ago, after I found out, too. I just want to keep my sanity & worry about myself. Thank you ! & Gid bless!

So when my wife had her 2-year emotional affair with our church youth pastor, it brought about a lot of devastation to our family, friends and church. Even though the youth pastor stepped forward and admitted what he did, the head pastor and church board allowed my wife to remain anonymous and didn't release her name and the youth pastor -- whose wife was also the church worship leader -- did not mention her name, either.

But this led us to leave our church of 9 years even though the youth pastor was fired because he stayed with his wife there for healing while we went our own way. Since this occurred 20 months ago since exposure (I don't call it disclosure because I exposed the affair since my wife never would have had the guts to do so had I not brought the overwhelming evidence to my head pastor) and there is no way in hell I wanted to stay in a church and look at the guy who had emotional affair (and who I once respected but don't any longer) with my wife.

So after we left our church and church family, our friends have all kind of gone by the wayside. My wife still stays in touch with a few ladies whose husbands I used to be friends with, but they have all but quit contacting me and talking to me. So I am doing this journey of healing by myself without any guys alongside me to assist. And yes, the enemy beats the living crap out of me almost daily, but I don't have anyone to talk to (God doesn't even listen to my cries and prayers -- or at least He remains silent), so when I fall I don't have brothers to help me up. It's a hard and difficult walk to be alone during this tragic part of my life and it doesn't help that I was laid off from my job five months ago before Thanksgiving, so I don't even have a place to go to get out of my house and focus my mind on something other than the shit that is life.

My wife and I are still very disconnected (she doesn't touch me, we rarely ever talk anything other than superficial life) and we still can't find a church home to plug in to, either, so it is very hard to connect with other people. Trying hard not to be a victim here or wallow in self-pity, but my value, self-worth and confidence have taken all-time hits and I am reeling without brothers in Christ. It royally sucks, but this is my life now. I will keep praying that I can work on myself and change on my own and without the help of others, but it is a very slow and painful walk and I keep getting the shit kicked out of me daily as I struggle to find employment, which continues to lead to more knocks on my value, self-worth and confidence. I already have a wife who doesn't love, respect, cherish or believe in me and now my career field pretty much reinforces that same thing to me daily and the lack of hearing God in prayer or reading the Word also just allows the enemy to beat me to death.

Actually death seems like more of a peaceful acceptance some days. The only thing keeping me from doing something so stupid and tragic is I am wanting to leave a legacy for my children and I would really like to reconcile with my wife. Just not sure about life anymore and these trials and tribulations are really zapping any joy out of my heart, mind and soul.

My wife and I went through marriage counseling twice a month for nearly 2 years following my discovery of her 2-year emotional affair. Nearly 3 years later, I feel like we are still at the very first step. She is still as disconnected as ever and I find myself seeing a future without her because I just can't bear to continue living in such an isolated and painful marriage on a daily basis. My No. 1 love language is physical touch and there has been no kissing, holding hands, cuddling, hugging at all for years now. And she never smiles at me and I even when we talk I can hear her disdain for me in her voice.

I feel I've been a very, very patient man, especially since she hurt me so much from disconnecting in our marriage. At what point do you just call it quits and move on? I have been praying and pondering this for months now. It is troubling since we have two adult children and one more still in high school. So many things to consider. I have been praying for peace and a breakthrough for years now but to no avail.

This really hit home. I’ve completed EMS weekend and just recently completed Harboring Hope. Just yesterday I discovered my spouse Is back with his AP. I feel I’ve been punched in the gut. This situation has been going on since late 2011. Unfortunately I’ve reached the end of my rope. This man is a hopeless case. I can’t understand how a person can be so selfish and self centered. And like many articles I’ve read by Samuel I know he doesn’t accept any personal responsibility for what he’s done. The affair was according to him because I neglected my marriage. I’m done fighting. My current counselor has met with him and has advised me to move on. I’m so deeply saddened by this. I will going it alone.

I was going it alone for quite awhile without insisting on full disclosure & the empathy I needed for healing from my wife's infidelity. Then the internal pressure built up to the point that it became unbearable. So I undertook a very deliberate path in going into counseling myself (since she had no interest in it), journaling, & insisting on conversations with her, no matter how painful they might be. It's not been easy. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I do see daylight through the trees.

Thank you thank you thank you! This is just what I needed to hear today. I am a little over a week until my first DDay anniversary. I still expect and see change from my husband but this is so incredibly encouraging for those times when it doesn’t seem like enough, which is so often bc I always want more more more! In our previous marriage I now realize I had a codependency issue where I felt like if I was going to change anything we had to do it together. Or he at least had to take the lead and do it first. And when he wouldn’t come alongside me I so easily crumbled and gave up and became so defeated. It’s so true that it takes 2 people colluding to continue those old patterns but only ONE strong person to change it. That’s what we’re doing everyday, Betrayed. slowly changing the steps of the dance so that they’ll have to change too if they want to keep up. We don’t have to settle for less than or what they’re willing to do. No matter what the situation is - every one of us has to go it alone for so much of this journey. Stay strong. Choose who YOU want to be and go be it! They’ll catch up if they’re worth it.

This is just what I needed today, thank you. I have lost so much in this journey of recovery, including my old self, and am just so, so tired. This article is so affirming though, and provides the hope and encouragement I need to keep going with the work I am doing to make myself into something new and better. I want that for me and my marriage. Again, thank you!

Great article which really encouraged me. I recently noticed myself doing old unhealthy communication methods with my husband whom I'm separated from due to his ongoing affair. I woke up to slipping into these old patterns and quickly decided that my husband has already rejected me, so now is a good time to change my unhealthy patterns even if it means he rejects me coz it can't get much worse than it is. I like so freed and encouraged making the changes.

I too, am going it alone, at least most of the time that's what it feels like. We don't really talk about what happened until my husband floods and then he gets stuck in ambivalence for days. We used to go to therapy, but he is refusing now because he feels like I am still withholding things from him. I am trying to work on myself and the issues that caused me to cheat in hopes that he will see my progress and want to reconcile fully. It's tough for me, I want nothing to do but fix this, and his withdrawing hurts me so badly but I know that I need to keep at it for my family's sake and because I love him more than anything.