After 20 years of marriage I thought we were settled in and moving forward with the next stages of life. But D day put an end to that cozy and comfortable dream. When you find out your world wasn't what you thought, that your heroes in this life don't have superpowers after all, and you can't even trust yourself and perceptions...its a hard pill to swallow. She lied to me for 10 years. The first affair was only a couple of months when we where younger, the second more recent and lasted for 3 years. How do you process that? So almost two years out, we are still working. For her it seems better, but honestly for me, the beast still stands in front of me taunting and reminding me of the same old thoughts, triggers, and heartache that I've had since day one. God continues to work as well however. We've done group therapy with Affair Recovery, read countless articles, watched videos repeatedly, and talked with a degree of honesty that wasn't there before. But I still need help. I can't seem to find myself. I still don't know if I made the right choices and followed the correct paths.
Much of this is complicated and intwined with my child's cancer fight as well...a story for another day...but I'm still adrift. Still swimming in relative darkness each day. I need some hope. Honest, deep, true hope. Not a bumper sticker or a refrigerator magnet saying, but something drawn from the deep pools of God's love and the honesty that comes from a broken spirit.
I don't know if Harboring Hope can provide such an offering, but I stilling trying, still working, and still (shall I say it) hopeful there is a happy ending waiting for us all.
Almost Two Years
After 20 years of marriage I thought we were settled in and moving forward with the next stages of life. But D day put an end to that cozy and comfortable dream. When you find out your world wasn't what you thought, that your heroes in this life don't have superpowers after all, and you can't even trust yourself and perceptions...its a hard pill to swallow. She lied to me for 10 years. The first affair was only a couple of months when we where younger, the second more recent and lasted for 3 years. How do you process that? So almost two years out, we are still working. For her it seems better, but honestly for me, the beast still stands in front of me taunting and reminding me of the same old thoughts, triggers, and heartache that I've had since day one. God continues to work as well however. We've done group therapy with Affair Recovery, read countless articles, watched videos repeatedly, and talked with a degree of honesty that wasn't there before. But I still need help. I can't seem to find myself. I still don't know if I made the right choices and followed the correct paths.
Much of this is complicated and intwined with my child's cancer fight as well...a story for another day...but I'm still adrift. Still swimming in relative darkness each day. I need some hope. Honest, deep, true hope. Not a bumper sticker or a refrigerator magnet saying, but something drawn from the deep pools of God's love and the honesty that comes from a broken spirit.
I don't know if Harboring Hope can provide such an offering, but I stilling trying, still working, and still (shall I say it) hopeful there is a happy ending waiting for us all.