First D-day was Aug 2010, Second d-day two weeks later (he lied about who the affair partner was and I did a whole lot of digging and put the truth together), Third D-day was Apr 2021. I still feel foolish for staying back then, but know exactly why I did. I always knew in my gut there was someone else and coaxed it out of my husband last year. I’ve worked hard on myself and was able to give him a safe space to tell me the final (?) truth and handle it with grace.
A year later I’m still struggling with all the years my husband told me I was his soulmate, the love of his life, how he’d do anything to make our marriage work, would give total transparency, that I knew everything, etc, all while he was holding on to at least one more indiscretion. He says it wasn’t even close to the same as the other affair because it was making out a few times, not sex. I understand what he means in his own mind. I think it’s all cheating, but yes, sex is a whole other level. It’s all not good though.
How could we be rebuilding a solid, respectful marriage when there was more out there he knew he was keeping from me? He says he didn’t tell me out of fear. I admit I didn’t handle things well the first D-days and had little emotional control at the time. That doesn’t change the fact a good marriage isn’t built on lies and I think he should’ve cared about that. He knowingly kept deceiving me while telling me rebuilding our marriage was his goal. So I think those years were wasted and fake. He disagrees.
I’m proud of the work I’ve done and the changes I’ve made within myself. I’m not proud that I can’t let the affairs go and I still have this feeling I may not know everything.
I don’t know if I’ve been in denial, am naive or if things have truly changed (for the positive) between us. My husband is a changed man in many, many ways and a much better husband. Our closeness is what allowed me to give him the safe space to tell me the “final” truth. He says he felt tremendous relief at getting that final confession out and yet still feels tremendous shame about the full-blown affair. I’m past the point of wanting him to hurt like I have and hope he works through the shame. I want peace for him. Most of the time we have a great partnership, friendship and good marriage. Until I’m triggered that is.
The most recent D-day (2021) was regarding something that happened before the full-blown affair of 2010. He says I know everything now. But I have a nagging feeling that comes up when I’m triggered that he hasn’t been completely honest. I thought knowing what he told me last year would be the final piece and I’d move on, but of course never forget. Now I have this strong feeling he hasn’t told the truth about how often he had sex with the full-blown affair partner. I know what he told me back in 2010. When I asked him a few days ago he said he has no memory, he’s completely blocked everything out and is filled with so much shame he doesn’t want to go back there. I find it hard to believe he can’t remember how many times he had sex with her. I asked was it one time or 10 times? He said far less than 10 and he’d say 1-4 because he remembers two but wants to leave room for more because he doesn’t know and doesn’t want to lie to me in case it’s more than two. What? I’ve asked since then if he’s remembered anything and basically he’s not willing to go back there. It’s too shameful and painful.
Because it was 12 years ago I’m struggling with is this fair to him and is there any point? Am I continuing to find things to question because it keeps it alive for me? My true thought is that I’m subconsciously testing him to make sure he’s finally telling me the entire truth. And that doesn’t seem healthy. I’ve let things go for so long and it turns out our marriage rebuilding was a sham for years and years. My husband doesn’t see it that way, but I do. I love him, I see so many positive changes in him and I believe he’s committed to me and me only. The thing I’m not sure of is if he’s being completely honest about the past. When do I let it go?
Harboring Hope Is What I Need
First D-day was Aug 2010, Second d-day two weeks later (he lied about who the affair partner was and I did a whole lot of digging and put the truth together), Third D-day was Apr 2021. I still feel foolish for staying back then, but know exactly why I did. I always knew in my gut there was someone else and coaxed it out of my husband last year. I’ve worked hard on myself and was able to give him a safe space to tell me the final (?) truth and handle it with grace.
A year later I’m still struggling with all the years my husband told me I was his soulmate, the love of his life, how he’d do anything to make our marriage work, would give total transparency, that I knew everything, etc, all while he was holding on to at least one more indiscretion. He says it wasn’t even close to the same as the other affair because it was making out a few times, not sex. I understand what he means in his own mind. I think it’s all cheating, but yes, sex is a whole other level. It’s all not good though.
How could we be rebuilding a solid, respectful marriage when there was more out there he knew he was keeping from me? He says he didn’t tell me out of fear. I admit I didn’t handle things well the first D-days and had little emotional control at the time. That doesn’t change the fact a good marriage isn’t built on lies and I think he should’ve cared about that. He knowingly kept deceiving me while telling me rebuilding our marriage was his goal. So I think those years were wasted and fake. He disagrees.
I’m proud of the work I’ve done and the changes I’ve made within myself. I’m not proud that I can’t let the affairs go and I still have this feeling I may not know everything.
I don’t know if I’ve been in denial, am naive or if things have truly changed (for the positive) between us. My husband is a changed man in many, many ways and a much better husband. Our closeness is what allowed me to give him the safe space to tell me the “final” truth. He says he felt tremendous relief at getting that final confession out and yet still feels tremendous shame about the full-blown affair. I’m past the point of wanting him to hurt like I have and hope he works through the shame. I want peace for him. Most of the time we have a great partnership, friendship and good marriage. Until I’m triggered that is.
The most recent D-day (2021) was regarding something that happened before the full-blown affair of 2010. He says I know everything now. But I have a nagging feeling that comes up when I’m triggered that he hasn’t been completely honest. I thought knowing what he told me last year would be the final piece and I’d move on, but of course never forget. Now I have this strong feeling he hasn’t told the truth about how often he had sex with the full-blown affair partner. I know what he told me back in 2010. When I asked him a few days ago he said he has no memory, he’s completely blocked everything out and is filled with so much shame he doesn’t want to go back there. I find it hard to believe he can’t remember how many times he had sex with her. I asked was it one time or 10 times? He said far less than 10 and he’d say 1-4 because he remembers two but wants to leave room for more because he doesn’t know and doesn’t want to lie to me in case it’s more than two. What? I’ve asked since then if he’s remembered anything and basically he’s not willing to go back there. It’s too shameful and painful.
Because it was 12 years ago I’m struggling with is this fair to him and is there any point? Am I continuing to find things to question because it keeps it alive for me? My true thought is that I’m subconsciously testing him to make sure he’s finally telling me the entire truth. And that doesn’t seem healthy. I’ve let things go for so long and it turns out our marriage rebuilding was a sham for years and years. My husband doesn’t see it that way, but I do. I love him, I see so many positive changes in him and I believe he’s committed to me and me only. The thing I’m not sure of is if he’s being completely honest about the past. When do I let it go?