Same position

I found out my wife has been having an affair with a married co-worker who lives in another country just before Christmas 2013. In fact, I remember asking if there was someone else in 2012 and when I found emails(Christmas time again), the two of them had discussed my accusations and proceeded to cover up everything!

I didn't go about everything correctly, meaning I didn't collect enough evidence before approaching her. Why? I didn't want to hurt her but I did want her to tell me the truth, which she still hasn't done. So I started digging again and I have found out that she has had an abortion already, just around my birthday in 2013 and proceeded to go on the pill (told me it was to regulate her periods). Long story short, I have enough information to really approach the subject again but I haven't and not sure I want to...

Just to add to the pain, we spoke on Christmas day and she told me she didn't love me any more. In fact, I think this hurt worse than anything else to be honest. I feel like a 'wimp' by saying that and don't get me wrong the physical stuff makes me extremely angry but the fact that she is in love with someone else and won't even tell me - that kills me. Especially when we have a 4 yr old daughter at home that I was taking care of while she was in NYC having an affair!!!

We are 2 weeks into a 'trial separation' so we can sort out our feelings. My wife knows that I know but we haven't really had a chat about this. I am depressed and feel 'bipolar' at times. I swing from wanting to save this marriage to second guessing whether or not she really does. She has agreed to marriage counseling, I am in individual counseling, and she has contacted a counselor for herself. We have ground rules for the separation including not speaking to the other guy but I know it is still going on, I just know it.

My heart that says 'we had a tough time, I was an idiot and didn't do my part in our marriage, she is human and made a mistake, and we can move on from this'. Then there is my head that tells me 'mate, she's still covering things up, she wants space - seriously you believe that you idiot, she won't even admit anything - what would you do in this situation?, and she has never even come out and said that we need to work on this marriage - these are my words'.

What ever happens with the marriage I am in control of how I come out of this. I can allow myself to be broken or I can get stronger from it. I have no strength but I know it's there....