If They Won’t Then I Won’t “If you’d do your part, then maybe I’d work a tad bit harder at doing mine!” “Well, if you didn’t DO what YOU did, we wouldn’t be here in the first damn place. It continues to be all about you doesn’t it! You remain such a ……………” Actual dialogue between Samantha and I while we were in recovery. It’s not an entirely uncommon thing to be stuck, or feel like only one party is doing more work to try and move forward than the other. The fact is, you don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward. You can move forward, albeit somewhat incrementally, even if your spouse is hesitant or stuck in their own pride, shame, hurt or pain. “If they won’t then I won’t” is a recipe for disaster as it means that perhaps your pride, or your inability to control their behavior, means you won’t get help for your own healing. This is true whether you’re betrayed or the betrayer. I was there. Believe me. I sat on my kids’ swing in the back yard crying to Rick Reynolds on the phone one day as I was convinced Samantha wasn’t doing her part. This time Rick didn’t laugh, as he knew I was in pain. But he did speak softly and graciously and ask me a question: “Samuel, what can you do right now? Maybe this is about YOUR sanctification and maybe this needs to be about you right now?” I threw up the white flag and said, “You’re right. I can’t get her to get it right now.” Rick emphatically said to me, “Samuel you need to allow Samantha to have all the time she needs since she’s the betrayed, and let God work on you in any way you need it right now. You obviously can’t change things right now, so embrace it dude, and realize it is the way it is right now. You can still get healthy, but right now, stop trying to control your wife’s behavior.” I’ve always been a control freak. It’s a recipe for disaster and frustration. I needed to trust the process. I needed to know that process required someone to drive the healing bus. Right now I was the driver. Sometimes Samantha was on and ready to go, helping me map out our travel plan. Sometimes, she would get off and I would be driving alone. Sometimes I’d jump right out the window and leave her to man the bus alone. Sometimes she would take the wheel and I would get to sit and relax and watch. Sometimes she would yell and scream and even throw things at me from the back of the bus while I continued to drive. There was air conditioning, but there was no ear plugs. Maybe you’re that person right now. Maybe you’re the betrayed, and you’re driving the bus. That’s the worst situation I know. Having to be the one who was betrayed, and still take the reins, or find help, is excruciating. But many times it’s normal. It’s normal as the unfaithful may not be healthy enough to even know what to do or how to do it. I was so locked in shame, failure and self-deception, not to mention so disoriented, Samantha was the one who found Rick and Affair Recovery. It happens frequently, and it’s very difficult friends. But it’s not impossible. I hope you don’t feel alone in your journey, as you’re not. You can move forward in your own recovery and healing. I hope and pray you do, and if I can help, please let me know by emailing me at firstname.lastname@example.org. For more help on this subject, I hope you’ll read Rick’s article as well called “Healing from Infidelity: Going It Alone”. You don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward.