Q&A Should I Be Expected to Provide Affair-Partner-Level Intensity?

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Question: 

My husband says one of the reasons he had an 8 month sexual affair is because I didn't make him feel desired. One of our long term issues has always been sex. He feels sex between us should be spontaneous. I tell him women don't work that way and if he could just give me some time it would be helpful.... I could shower, relax, get my mind on sex and not other things. He argues that's not how sex should work and around and around we go.... for 20 years. To make things even more confusing, he insists it's not about the sex, but the closeness and we could just cuddle and not even have sex... cuddling always ends in sex and then I feel frustrated because I wasn't ready for sex and was enjoying cuddling.... and so now I can't even enjoy the cuddling because I'm wondering if I need to get my mind ready for sex. If we don't remedy this, it will end our marriage. Any suggestions I make are offensive to him. I guess he wants me to constantly flirt, send texts etc. Am I being unreasonable to say that's unrealistic? I can't provide affair partner level intensity.... can I?

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