"Do I even matter to him?" Sarah asked as she told me that she had allowed Chuck to move home last month even though he still seemed to be pining for his affair partner (AP). Like many, Sarah asked herself over and over again, Am I a fool for even trying to work on my marriage?
During a session together, she shared a portion of her heartbreaking story: "Three days after discovering the physical part of the infidelity, we sat down and he told me everything, but he cried when talking about his AP. In the past month, he's taken steps to make things better, and he hasn't contacted his AP, but she has tried to contact him. He says he loves me and he wants to help me heal, but the only time he gets emotional is when he talks about HER. Can you imagine how hard it is for me to feel he is really remorseful? It's making me an...
"What in the world attracted you to her? You're disgusting!" Sandy screamed.
Across town a similar conversation was going on between John and Margret. "Are you kidding me?" John said in disbelief. "You're having an affair with an alcoholic who barely scrapes by? Do you really think he has the ability to support you? He only makes a tenth of what I earn." And yet another conversation: “Frank, how could you do this to me? She's 25 years younger than you! She's practically the same age as our daughter! What in the world could the two of you have in common?"
Disclaimer: Before I even start this article let me stress that there's no way I could ever write something that will be able to fully answer why your mate chose their affair partner (AP). Why...
"It is over, I don't see the need to talk about it." "It meant nothing, so there is nothing more to say." "It was in the past; can't we just move on and be happy?" "I'll never do it again, so why can't you just believe me?"
And on and on it goes.
Pronouns have a subtle and uncanny way of minimizing and protecting us from the truth.
So, what is it?
It is the place where wayward spouses usually hesitate, stutter, and start to get uncomfortable.
As the discomfort and hesitation from the wayward spouse goes up, the...
Recently Stephanie was perusing the Recovery Library and said to me, "Betrayed spouses need some practical suggestions on forgiveness." My first thought was that forgiveness isn't practical; it's actually rather extravagant. But Stephanie was willing to offer some do's and don'ts for those who have been betrayed. I've rounded out the discussion by offering suggestions for the wayward spouse.
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For the sake of our discussion, allow me to clarify who this is intended for and give some definition to some of the terms.
To begin, let me stress that these suggestions are for couples who have moved beyond (or who are ready to move beyond) discovery and determine how to live with what has...
My family–everyone except me–loves puzzles. One year, they worked on a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle called "Will the Real Santa...". It was made up of over 32 Santas who all looked basically the same. Each had a white beard and red costume. For hours, my family sat around the table taking each of the thousand pieces, comparing them to the picture on the lid and trying to distinguish slight differences that would help them decide where to put that piece. My family claims it is rewarding when they are able to make just one more piece fit. They find fulfilling what I consider to be torture.
...
How do I know if my spouse is truly committed to recovery?
When you are trying to put your life back together in the aftermath of infidelity and addiction, it's important to "stay in your own lane." When it comes to our marriage relationship, it is very natural to question from time to time what IS happening on the other side of the street, so to speak. This is a kind way to remind us all that we need to focus on our own work.
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"I can't believe a married woman with kids could do this. Can't you see how devious she was?!!" Steph yelled.
"I'm 100% responsible," I said. "I won't minimize my responsibility by saying someone tricked me or made me do it. If I'm going to face my issues, I have to take 100% of the responsibility."
"Why do you keep defending her?" This time, she screamed!
"I'm not defending her; I'm taking 100% responsibility. It's my screwed-up choices that got us here. She didn't make me do anything. And I'm not going to blame somebody else for my failure."
"Every time you do that, you defend her!"
"I'm not defending her. I'm trying to take 100%...
Have you ever found yourself so frustrated, so enraged, so overwhelmed, or so out of control that you snapped? This is not a pleasant place to be, but chances are you've been there.
One thing about the aftermath of infidelity is the explosion of not only chaos and uncertainty, but also the many extreme and scary emotions.
For those who find out they have been betrayed, the response is often anger, followed by rage. Rage can get out of control, however. It is a natural and normal human emotional response to betrayal.
For those who have been wayward, you most likely faced (or will face) a very powerful sense of a spiraling loss that is out of...
How do you face a new year after an affair? I want to share four recovery tips with you as you start the new year. No matter where you are in your recovery from infidelity, there was probably a time when it felt like you wouldn't make it. But let me start by inviting you to notice that you did. The overwhelm, grief, anger, and despair have not swallowed you whole, even though it may have felt that way. So take a moment to notice: You made it to a new year!
While the new year symbolizes a fresh start, it can also come with pressures and disappointments, reminding us of unmet goals or the way the previous year didn't turn out as expected. So take a deep breath with me and let's discuss how you...
Wayne: Hey, everybody. Welcome back. So glad you're with us. This week is special for me because we have a very special guest–one of my favorite people on the planet for almost 29 years now! I want to introduce you to my favorite (and only) daughter, Karen Baker, who is a newly minted psychotherapist herself.
Today we're going to talk about infidelity from a different perspective: what to tell the kids, what not to tell the kids, what Karen's journey has been like, and how we have dealt with some of our more challenging father/daughter conversations. I'm looking forward to talking with you about how we've navigated this road together, especially in the last 7 or 8 years...
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