Q&A What Do I Do When the Spouse of My Husband's Affair Partner Attempts to Contact Me?

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Question: 

What do I do when my husband's affair partner's spouse reaches out to me on Facebook asking to talk by phone? The message I received a few days ago said that he suspects that my husband and his spouse are still seeing each other. This is 5 months after discovery and 3 months after disclosure. My husband has only divulged information when he has been caught; he claims he has now totally cut off all communication and contact. I want to hear what this man has to say, but want to be wise and safe about how I go about it.

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I struggled with this as well

I struggled with this as well. I will tell you in my experience I found out so much more than I would have ever known had we not communicated. And he said the same thing. Unfortunately my husband and his AP felt their spouses communication was inappropriate! This infuriated me and led to some heated arguments. “So I can’t ask her husband if she met up with you today, that’s wrong? But you can have sex with his wife and that’s ok?” Ugh!! I could scream every time I think about how irrational people entangled in an affair can be. I still get scared when he reaches out to me because I know he likely has information I don’t want to hear. And I know it’s going to lead to more fighting! I have no regrets opening up the line of communication as it has offered so much insight for me!

I struggled with this as well

I struggled with this as well. I will tell you in my experience I found out so much more than I would have ever known had we not communicated. And he said the same thing. Unfortunately my husband and his AP felt their spouses communication was inappropriate! This infuriated me and led to some heated arguments. “So I can’t ask her husband if she met up with you today, that’s wrong? But you can have sex with his wife and that’s ok?” Ugh!! I could scream every time I think about how irrational people entangled in an affair can be. I still get scared when he reaches out to me because I know he likely has information I don’t want to hear. And I know it’s going to lead to more fighting! I have no regrets opening up the line of communication as it has offered so much insight for me!

I contacted him

My H AP was not married but living with another man. When I found out about the affair I called the AP and told her to stop all contact. My H called her the next day and told her also. (He probably told her to hold on until he got things sorted out - LOL) She told her boyfriend that she was no longer allowed to come into our office (H is a doctor!). Then she said she wasn't supposed to contact H because I thought they had an affair but that they didn't. She also told boyfriend that she had loaned my H a movie and that she would like to have it back. The boyfriend texted H and said this was all stupid and was there anything that could be said to his wife (me) so that AP could still come into the office. And that she would like the movie back.

I was monitoring H's cell phone and saw this phone number and asked who it was - he told me and let me read the text. I went into the house and called him. Boyfriend told me that there was nothing going on and that I blew the texting out of context as she texts everyone. I told him that I had the records and that my H who never texts anyone (i.e., only 5 texts a month vs 5,000 in a month with her) and that is indication that there is something going on. He didn't believe me and I said that when I get the texts all downloaded I will let him know. Well...the texts proved the affair. I copied them and sent them to him.

This did not benefit me at all. I ended up with sanctions.

so...do you contact? I don't know. I know another woman who has a civil suit against her for trying to contact the husband of the AP and the AP confronted her first - then called the cops on her. She is a teacher and might lose her teaching certificate. It is hard to think of what you might lose by further contact.