Q&A How Do I Get past Feeling So Much Time Was Stolen from Me?

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My now-husband and I were together for 4 years before we married. I didn’t date anyone else. However, I found out 3 weeks ago he had been seeing an old girlfriend for 5 years before I came along and continued to do so until weeks before our wedding. She would call randomly and they would hook up, either at her house or in the same apartment where he had sex with me, on the same bed we still share. I’m so angry that I was never given the choice not to continue our relationship and I feel all these years have been stolen from me (14 years total). I can’t even look at pictures from those 14 years. He also confessed that until recently he still thought of sex with the affair partner and other women over the years while we have been married, even though we have a great sex life (by his admission). I don’t think he thinks the thoughts are a big deal since it’s not physically cheating, but I do. I feel I have no space that has truly been my own. My entire house is a trigger. I have constant emotional flooding because I know what she looked like, and it happened in my physical space. We are enrolled in EMS Online (haven’t begun coursework yet), individual/couples counseling and he seems to desperately want to work it out. I am ambivalent. Do people change? How do I get past feeling so much time was stolen from me?



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