Love is a funny thing.
To the couple in crisis due to infidelity or addiction, it can also be a very confusing thing.
In our culture, love is most frequently portrayed as an overwhelming feeling of attraction and desire. In the land of make believe, love is a magical force that propels the couple to "happily ever after." Our souls resonate with this theme, and we long for our chance to experience that kind of true love and never-ending passion. This universal desire reveals our desperate need to be loved and to feel wanted.
The only problem is that this fairy tale style of love exists only in movies...
Ever catch yourself staring over that fence, thinking the grass is so much greener on the other side?
I did, and it nearly cost me my marriage. This experience ultimately led me to start programs at Affair Recovery, like Hope For Healing, that help people understand why we tend to look for greener grass in the first place.
I'm an old guy who's lived long enough to make some really dubious choices. Trust me, I've got the scars to prove it. But here's the one lesson I've learned after 46 years of marriage: The grass is NOT always greener.
To those of you who strayed from your marriage or are wondering if you should. Let me ask...
A while back, a woman named, Sue, sat in my office complaining about her husband, Joe. (That's not unusual; both men and women are forever in my office complaining about their mate.) Sue's complaint was about never feeling chosen. She gave example after example of Joe choosing something (or someone) besides her.
After about twenty minutes, Sue stopped, took a breath, and asked, "Am I the problem?"
Without a second's hesitation, I said, "Absolutely, you are."
Shock and disbelief flooded her face as she said, "How can that be?"
"The problem is the way you view your marriage," I responded. "Before you think I'm crazy for saying this, let me help you understand."
Before we go further, dear reader, please understand...
On the day I married Stephanie, I swore I would love her till death do us part. I wanted to be a man who loved his wife, a man who would protect her and provide for her. I wanted to be a good father and a man of great integrity. I never fathomed that I would ever dishonor or disrespect Stephanie. My heart was to love her to the best of my ability. That sentiment reflects my true...
When responding to an affair, two wrongs never make a right. It's tempting, but by doing this, a betrayed spouse will wound themselves even further.
As C.S. Lewis says in The Four Loves:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” He goes on to say, “The...
Emotional affairs are devastating. The collateral damage from one sharing their heart and life with another person outside the marriage devastates the betrayed spouse and upends all of life for the couple and family. Trying to piece things together post-affair is not only challenging, it can be one of the most discouraging and frustrating things a couple will ever go through.
What is an emotional affair? What qualifies it as such? Perhaps your spouse is resisting the idea that what happened was truly an emotional affair—what then?
If 82% of affairs happen with someone who at first was "just a friend," as Shirley P. Glass' research suggests1, then maybe there's benefit in exploring how these friendships begin. How does one decide to begin an emotional affair? What signs are there that an emotional affair is...
This week we hear from Marie, a wayward spouse who shares her personal experience of infidelity before, during, and after her affairs. I hope her story brings hope, courage, and understanding to those of you on both sides of this difficult circumstance.
My husband, John, and I were an old married couple before we ever exchanged vows. We lived together, had a dog, and sat around in sweats doing nothing. We loved each other, I'm certain, but it seemed as though we forgot we needed to show it.
About a year into our marriage, I started feeling restless. My daily routine consisted of studying, working, caring for our home, shopping, cooking, and cleaning. I received little to no help from John. Most days when he got home, he would immediately get on the internet...
"Do I even matter to him?" Sarah asked as she told me that she had allowed Chuck to move home last month even though he still seemed to be pining for his affair partner (AP). Like many, Sarah asked herself over and over again, Am I a fool for even trying to work on my marriage?
During a session together, she shared a portion of her heartbreaking story: "Three days after discovering the physical part of the infidelity, we sat down and he told me everything, but he cried when talking about his AP. In the past month, he's taken steps to make things better, and he hasn't contacted his AP, but she has tried to contact him. He says he loves me and he wants to help me heal, but the only time he gets emotional is when he talks about HER. Can you imagine how hard it is for me to feel he is really remorseful? It's making me an...
"What in the world attracted you to her? You're disgusting!" Sandy screamed.
Across town a similar conversation was going on between John and Margret. "Are you kidding me?" John said in disbelief. "You're having an affair with an alcoholic who barely scrapes by? Do you really think he has the ability to support you? He only makes a tenth of what I earn." And yet another conversation: “Frank, how could you do this to me? She's 25 years younger than you! She's practically the same age as our daughter! What in the world could the two of you have in common?"
Disclaimer: Before I even start this article let me stress that there's no way I could ever write something that will be able to fully answer why your mate chose their affair partner (AP). Why...
"It is over, I don't see the need to talk about it." "It meant nothing, so there is nothing more to say." "It was in the past; can't we just move on and be happy?" "I'll never do it again, so why can't you just believe me?"
And on and on it goes.
Pronouns have a subtle and uncanny way of minimizing and protecting us from the truth.
So, what is it?
It is the place where wayward spouses usually hesitate, stutter, and start to get uncomfortable.
As the discomfort and hesitation from the wayward spouse goes up, the...
What Type of Affair Was It?
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