Triggers After Infidelity: What To Do When They Hit

Thank you for this podcast. I needed to hear your stories, and thoughts and insights on triggers. The prayer at the end - prayer for hope and encouragement, and the right help at the right time in Jesus' name.

Thank you. This is very helpful.

I want to thank you for covering Triggers. I am the person who wrote what you read at the beginning of the podcast.

I think that Jeremy, John, Peter, Rick and Candace did a thorough job of covering such a broad topic. The discussion, suggestions, analysis and life experiences of each of you resonated, I have to believe , with so many people.

Peter's analogy of a person's experience in affair recovery is like "one spiraling up a slinky, going around the circle to feel like you've made no progress, yet you are actually moving up to another level of improvement" is spot on. It often feels like you are moving one step forward and a half step back. Progress is hard to gauge but the work on recovery by both the betrayed and betrayer results in improvement...no matter how imperceptible it can seem at times.

I also thought that John's statement about "Involuntary Response" was so true. The betrayed does not choose to relive the past yet the triggers vault one back to those horrific times. It is PTSD. As discussed in the program all senses are firing at a rapid rate bringing a sense of overwhelming emotions. Flight or fight is at its extreme. As Rick said it brings the betrayed back to relive that moment of time. As John said, "It comes out of anywhere."

I was particularly struck by comments made by Candace. I feel that her experiences are a mirror image of my own. I greatly appreciate her candor in describing how the impact of her husband's affair disclosure, not once, but twice, affected her. Her visceral experience of losing her breath, of ambient noise, of the admissions by her husband while at Costco felt like "three times as long as any worse nightmare" rings true. You feel like you are collapsing into the biggest black hole with no knowledge of how to get out. Of experiencing a situation that was not of your own making.

What was also true for me regarding Candace's experience was her description of the "Death Bed" confession, just prior to her husband taking the polygraph. I had suspected that my wife had not told me everything, even though she promised on our kid's lives and made a quadruple pinky swear. What she told me just did not add up. She said they had no sexual relationship.

Twenty-nine years after D1, my wife had a brain bleed. She was in a vulnerable state which, for right or wrong, gave me the opportunity to address my suspicions. Her candor was relentless and knocked the wind out of my soul. It was a nightmare three times longer than I thought. But, it was something I needed to hear. As Hope Recovery material says, the betrayed should have as much information about the affair as they can handle. I am the type of person who believes knowing everything will provide a gateway toward healing.

In our case, I feel her candor was the best thing to have happened. For the most part, I believe my wife told me all of the relevant information regarding her affair. I am not confident that everything was disclosed, but it was enough to calm my suspicions that have been prevalent for almost 30 years.

The discussion by Peter and John about leaning into the triggers, like leaning into the crashing waves, was appropriate. Learning how to lean into the triggers is such an important tool. The waves are coming no matter what, but the knowledge as to how to handle them makes them less terrifying.

I also liked the discussion about the betrayer's triggers. Rick's honesty about how he handled that with his wife was illuminating. I asked my wife if she had triggers, and hers were only related to my reliving the affair. I do know that she feels the shame and guilt that was discussed in the podcast.

What is interesting is I watched most of the podcast by myself when my wife was not at home. I realized that she could benefit from the topic and asked her to watch it with me. We did and her feedback was very positive. She stated that she learned some things. Candace's description as to how her husband responded as time went on for them was both helpful and a little humorous. Particularly her comment that "we can talk about this for 10 minutes now or for two hours at 2am". The exclamation point was Candace saying that discussions now take a lot less longer now.

I want to thank you again for covering Triggers. Your insight and honesty will provide many people with another step toward recovery.

You all do a terrific job and it is appreciated.