Q&A Is It Wrong to Ask My Husband to Understand the Affair Partner's Personality Disorder?

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My husband’s emotional affair partner was almost 20 years younger. He was a superintendent and she worked exclusively with his company however worked for contractor. I have an MSW and have worked for almost 30 years in the mental health field (albeit primarily as an administrator). When our life “blew up” there were so many behaviors that my husband did that were highly narcissistic. Upon much introspection and lots of consideration I am certain that my husband has high narcissistic traits. However after 6 years these are significantly improving. What I am struggling with that I also know that his affair partner struggles with histrionic personality disorder. Her behaviors were so extreme that I could not understand or make sense of any of it. I spent countless hours researching this disorder in an attempt to bring clarity in my head from things she did, said, and how she acted like they were so close, even though things didn’t add up. It’s important to me that my husband understands these behaviors as they were part of what constituted the affair. Recognizing how inappropriately she behaved is important to me because that behavior, in part, changed my life forever. He does not understand why reflection upon her behaviors is important. He has made multiple commitments to thinking about it and talking about it but does not follow through. It does feel wrong that I am asking to review another person’s unhealthy behaviors however her highly flirtatious, seductive, and manipulative behavior was part of what changed my life. Am I wrong for asking him to do this?



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