My husband had an affair with a young 19 year old girl living with us. We have 4 children of our own. I loved this girl like my own child... she had problems and sexual addictions of her own. My husband has always been addicted to porn since 11 years old. We both felt God calling us to take this girl in when called by the local High School. We were youth leaders. She has rocked my world, no one knows, not our church, kids or families. She is gone; my kids don't know why I refuse to talk about her. I feel like I can't trust my instinct or judgement in anything. I have pulled back on church, life, and friends. I've cocooned into myself. We are doing EMS Online... week 7 about killed me. The list of loss is so great. It has sent me spiraling once more into despair. My husband tries so hard, I do believe he is remorseful. He is doing all the work. I'm just sitting in my pit of darkness dumbfounded as to why God would take what was meant as service to the Lord... and not protect us, spare us from this mess. I've been raised in church, my dad was a pastor. I tried to do it all right. I can't fix this. I see light and then I'm shattered by the overwhelming darkness of it all. How do I love past this, save my marriage and survive this? I feel like the woman I was, who loved and pursued after God has just walked out the door... I'm a shell of a human now, filled with fear, despair and distrust of everyone. When does it get better?