Our D-day happened in June of 2022. I was devastated but we took the long road and have been in recovery. (That's the short version.) I went through Harboring Hope and then we both participated in EMSO (the virtual one, not the in-person). He regularly sees a therapist (as do I). Now we are part of a Married for Life group and we are still going strong with them.
All I can share is that this journey is now, quite possibly, about your own healing. I had to accept that my husband was an imperfect and broken person (we all are but some of us act out more than others - that's my opinion) - he was more imperfect than I ever wanted to believe. If I start to put him on a pedestal again, things start to degrade. I know I can never trust him 100% because in my opinion, no one can do that with anyone! I love him for who he is and, most importantly, he has created a safe environment for me. I know I'm as safe as can be in this relationship moving forward. In my opinion, the unfaithful spouse needs to do whatever is necessary so you can feel safe. However, there's a catch. Even if he creates as much safety as possible, you may never know if he has told you the whole truth! I mean how can we truly know? He may even be fooling himself! We have to find some sort of peace with all this. To do that you need to strengthen your sense of self so that you will be ok either with or without him. This way, you can *proactively make the choice* to be with (or be without) him. Again, in my experience, I think people in our position (betrayed) need to determine our own journeys. If he is doing all he can, and you believe that, then you can choose what you want to do from here forward. If you don't think he is doing all he can, then that is another situation you may need to come to terms with. You won't be able to force him and why would you want to? Forcing someone to do something doesn't work. They have to want to heal. I hope this makes sense - some people might disagree but that is how I see things now and just wanted to share how it has worked for us. Wishing you hope and healing!

I can so relate to your pain. My oldest son was 12 when my husband had his most recent affair (the only one our children know about because we were separated) and he pretty much immediately shut his dad out of his life. It was heartbreaking to watch him go through those formative years without a relationship with his father. For three years, my son kept my husband at arm's length. He didn't engage with him unless necessary. The anger occasionally slipped out in how he spoke to his dad. He had a staunch refusal to accept any type of advice from his dad as well. During a time when he so desperately needed his father's guidance, he was unwilling to accept it because he was so hurt himself and so angry over the hurt his dad had caused me. For three years, my husband continued to love him through it. He never gave up on our son and I know it was gut wrenching for him to experience such distance and rejection from his firstborn. It took a lot of courage for him to continually put himself out there, only to be shot down again and again. And of course, we never stopped praying that God would work on our son's heart. When he was 15, he sat me and my husband down and expressed that he had been very angry at his dad for years but wanted to try to rebuild a relationship with him. It was huge! When I asked him what precipitated his change of heart, he said that he had been watching closely how his dad treated me. He listened to how we talked to each other. He observed forgiveness in my behavior. He said that if I could forgive him, then he needed to try too. 

Kids don't have the emotional maturity to process something as big as adultery. I only got glimpses into my son's mindset, and of course, it wasn't necessarily logical. What I never realized was just how intently he was scrutinizing the behavior of his parents to determine if, and when, it would be safe for him to let his own guard down. Kids are very perceptive. 

As to whether you have the whole truth, I guess I would ask, do you need it? If you've stayed in your marriage, continuing to work toward forgiveness, and feeling safe enough to have another child together, what would change with having the name of the AP? Forgiveness isn't a "one and done." It's a continuing process, a choice we make daily. Lysa TerKeurst wrote an excellent book called, "Forgiving What You Can't Forget," which is currently available to read on Kindle for free if you are an Amazon Prime subscriber. I highly recommend it.

You move forward one step at a time. You make the next best decision for your healing. Then you make one more. And you keep going until one day, you wake up and realize you feel lighter, more free. You won't be able to pinpoint when the change occurred because it happens gradually. But if you keep pressing forward, you will get there. Maybe today, it's starting with Lysa's book. Perhaps that will inspire you to pursue another aspect of healing that hasn't yet even occurred to you. I have often found that's how God works in my life. He knows I'd be overwhelmed if I were presented with the whole problem all at once so he brings to my attention one thing to focus on at a time. Take heart! Many of us have walked this road and you are not alone.

That's such an encouraging perspective, Robyn. Thank you so much for sharing. How strange that I also experienced a dislosure the weekend of my birthday in 2014. Even in this small way, I'm still finding comradery with others, years later. Wishing all the best for you as you continue to press forward in healing.