Q&A Is This Blame Shifting?

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My husband and I are 18 months post D-Day. I have endured a lot of trickle-truth and drip-feeding during the last 18 months. His story frequently changes and includes a lot of embellishments & fabricated details “in order for me to heal.” He has often said that I wouldn’t believe the truth even if he told me. We are currently in EMSO and marriage counseling. We did not attend week one because ‘he didn’t want to’. Since then I’ve seen him put in minimal effort). After week two I felt devastated that I didn’t have the full story, our counselor gave him a deadline to get everything out on the table so we could begin healing from this. He blew right past the deadline and then after 19 long days came to me with a wrongdoing I had committed early on in our marriage. I jumped right into ‘fix-it’ mode. It was an issue with renting our first home from family - never mix family and finance! I tried my best to make amends and his family was quick to say “it’s alright, let’s move forward from here.” My husband on the other hand, will not let it go. I will completely agree that trust is proven behavior over time, but I have never given him a reason to doubt me. We seem to have completely switched the focus here. I’m beginning to feel manipulated and insulted that while we’re going through EMSO the focus is on me. I am trying my best to remain calm and level-headed but I struggle when I still feel unsafe, do not have disclosure & become the target so frequently. He has gone as far as to say that I am controlling and abusive for threatening to leave and is really turning this on it’s head. Is this classic blame-shift? I’m starting to feel crazy and doubting that my marriage can ever be repaired. Will he ever take ownership of his wrongdoing or only point out my faults in the marriage?



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