When the Betrayed Finds out What the Unfaithful Has Already Known: The Disclosure Process

Samuel shares insight into a challenging part of the disclosure process.

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When the Betrayed Finds Out - No Deposit

Samuel: Another great V-log. I am the unfaithful and this is spot on. Nothing should be put in the positive column because it is not deserved. The unfaithful needs to make do the work, make amends and show empathy. It took me a long time to really get this. During the EMS Virtual Weekend, I did hear my betrayed husband acknowledge that I had stopped the physical affair. It was nice to hear but not necessary to our healing. My advice to all betrayers is to use the tools (found here at Affair Recovery), read many books, and perhaps get counseling to learn how to be supportive and work on your baggage to learn how you got here. The work is worth it for yourself and your spouse to heal. Thank you for your work. Jennie

Thank you

Thank you for this vlog! I have been married for 20 years, we have two children. This is my situation and I have struggled with processing it. I would love to hear from professionals on the mental/emotional effects on the betrayed when affairs/addictions are kept secret. The effect it has on the betrayed before discovery, when everything is still secret. My husband (we are currently in the divorce process) believes that we are just two different people and that is why we are not happy being married. He kept an short-term affair secret for 4 years and has a lifestyle of going out partying with friends late nights for the past 10 years. About the affair, he says that he made a mistake, worked through it himself and put it behind him. The affair has nothing to do with our unhappiness. I disagree. I do agree that we have a handful of other marriage deficits that need to be worked on, but I do feel there is a need to address the affair behaviors. I recently heard a podcast with a professional talking about the secret creating a conflict between the commitment to your mate and your gut feeling/intuition. I do feel like this is something to look at further. I questioned whether he was being faithful many times, mostly to myself, and ignored my gut and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Good insight. I was thinking

Good insight. I was thinking along the same lines listening to this. The actual betrayal is only one aspect, the secret-keeping and lack of intimacy is the greater problem.
My UH and I have had issues our whole marriage, 26 years this July! The infidelities have been for approximately the last 4 years off and on. At the heart of our marriage issues is a fear of intimacy on both of our parts, we both avoided true vulnerability and openness because of past history and were always guarded in our interactions. I think we thought our love would be enough to sustain us for the long haul, but the gaping holes were there.
Since D day we’ve been learning how to pour out our hearts, our deepest secrets, our true feelings and haven’t felt closer in years. The secret keeping on my husband’s part these last 4 years devastated both him and me. We look back on photos and realize his eyes look haunted and empty. We had so much conflict over the smallest of things, that’s because the deeper emotional needs of us both were not being addressed...the “secret” was in the way of that, like a huge blockade to true intimacy.
My other thought while watching this was this analogy: If a “trusted employee” confessed to you after 10 years, “The first 5 years of employment with you I was skimming off an extra $1000/month for myself...but I stopped,” what would your reaction be? I’m sure it wouldn’t be, “Oh, that’s great of you that you stopped, thanks for telling me. I trust you’ll never do that again.”
The truth is that deception will always destroy trusted relationships. We depend on people to be who they say they are, it’s what keeps any relationship on solid footing. Anything else is crazy-making.
I know you said that you are in the divorce process, but if you two could read a book my husband and I found of great benefit, it might be helpful. It’s called “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson. We’re listening to the audible version. What your husband sees as “differences” might really be a lack of intimacy and an inability to communicate emotional needs. I believe that if two people can mend a 20 year marriage, especially with children involved, everyone benefits. I wish the best for you as I can hear that you don’t want to give up in this.
Praying for you today.

Thank you Samuel for

Thank you Samuel for addressing betrayal when it is found out years later. I found out my husband had an emotional affair with a woman from out of state that he connected with through business on and off for about 7 years. His company never sent him out of town so they never met physically although he admits he wanted to. I have found several emails that he had failed to delete from 10 years ago. I had told him that yes it was 10 years ago for him but it is today for me. What was and is disheartening ( although I have been trying my best to work through) is finding out he didn’t want to end the affair. The last words he wrote was “you can’t just say goodbye to me and have your closure”. How long would he have kept this going? Would he have eventually met up with her and left me? My counselor had told me I can’t rewrite history. I know she is right. My husband is very remorseful and through EMSO he developed deep empathy. We are almost 2 years out and our marriage is so much better than it ever was. I had considered leaving the marriage but he has become the husband I always prayed he would be. Thank you for all your work at Affair Recovery. It has helped save my marriage.