Q&A How Can I Communicate That I Understand My Mates Pain?

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Question: 

We are 14 months into recovery. We are in EMS Online and I have taken HFH. I know what I've done wrong and I admit it all the time. He sends me messages daily and I respond to them saying I accept what you are saying, I'm sorry I've hurt you this way, those are good points. Sometimes when faced with how he feels I've destroyed his life, bring up his past betrayals, or his drinking, blameshift and defend myself. I'm working on becoming better at this and am in therapy. I try my hardest to still function and keep life normal for the kids. I can expect that this is brought up by text or in person or even just in anger or other emotions all day, everyday. No event is untouched by recovery and I get that that's a normal thing. What I don't understand is how to get my spouse to see I acknowledge his pain because no matter what I say or do if it's not what he demands or how he says he needs me to reply then he says I'm not humble and I'm abandoning him. He has untreated depression but won't get medication. Couple that with alcohol and his choice to not return to therapy, we have daily outbursts and I feel hopeless. I know I have a long way to go in self healing and in helping him but I don't know how to be made to respond in "a deep meaningful way" to how I've hurt him over and over is helping either of us.

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