Q&A Is It Appropriate to Try Separating While Also Helping the Betrayed Spouse Heal?

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I’ve been married for over 20 years. Our marriage has never been easy- we’ve fought since day 1 at least once every couple weeks. We’ve both been raised to stick it out even if we're unhappy. 18 months ago after realizing I was numb and hadn’t been happy and suggested separating which was not received well. I was worried, too, about our 2 teens. We agreed to counseling. It was during that time I was unfaithful having a largely emotional relationship/friendship with some intimacy (truly not the focus) with someone else. We’ve done EMS, individual counseling, and couples counseling. Regardless of effort we remain in a cycle of disagreement and mutual unhappiness for a lot of time. In hindsight I wish I’d tried separating as the betrayal’s healing is now the focus while the decade of issues and patterns we both contribute becomes secondary even with your tools. My wife’s behaviors make me so unhappy and my grievances go unresolved. I’m depressed and really wish for her healing but also my own which I feel is to be apart. I don’t have interest in the affair partner - that is a symptom not the problem. Is it appropriate to try separating while also helping the betrayed spouse heal?



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