Imagine you walk in the door to your house. You hear a noise coming from upstairs… sounds like chewing and tearing. You go to investigate and discover the source of the sound is your dog eating your brand-new shoes! You give your dog the appropriate scolding and send him on his way while you survey the damage to your kicks. Your dog gives you the saddest puppy eyes as he skulks from the room.
Fast forward a few hours… your dog is cozied up next to you on the couch while you watch your favorite television programs. At bedtime, he takes his prized position at the foot of your bed when you settle in for the night. You give him a loving pat on the head and wish him a good night, as is your routine every...
Let’s talk today about recovery work, what it looks like, and why it’s so darn important.
I’m going to give it to you straight…I’m going to assume if you’re reading this article or watching this video, that either you, or your partner, pulled a pin, and tossed a grenade into your life. You’re standing in the rubble, assessing the damage, wishing, hoping, praying, this was all just a nightmare. I’ve been there….and I know…. It’s a living hell.
The crushing reality is that the trauma that has been caused by infidelity isn’t just a jail sentence that we can just wait out until the crippling pain and anger subside.
The passing of time, in itself, isn’t enough to combat the magnitude of what we’re...
Discovery of your spouse's affair or sexual addiction usually triggers a tidal wave of intense emotions. After the initial shock and confusion, most betrayed spouses struggle for quite some time to regain control over the turbulent emotions brought on by intrusive thoughts and reminders. In fact, Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the treatment of sexual addiction, says that infidelity can be as traumatic as sexual assault.
When recovering from infidelity, it's important to understand how and why the experience changes our brain and our behavior. I'd like to talk about what betrayal trauma might look like for both the betrayed and the wayward spouses and how this shared trauma can result in unhelpful patterns—sometimes called trauma bonds.
The trauma from betrayal creates the same symptoms as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD...
Because the body is (at least in part) the location of our trauma—the body must also be a location of healing.
~Aundi Kolber
About a year after discovering my husband's affair, my body started to capsize under relentless waves of sickness. An illness would hit. I'd recover and feel decent for a few months. Then, another surge of sickness would seek to drown me again.
My husband had betrayed me, but now my body seemed to be doing the same.
I began to understand firsthand that infidelity's impact on a person could be more nuanced and complex than I had initially realized. The thing was,...
Post infidelity, I found myself in a new world filled with all sorts of triggers. Not only would reminders from my marriage and husband trigger me, but I was also triggered by reminders of my AP.
One notable occasion was a breakdown at a diner. The waitress asked, "what type of toast would you like? We have white, wheat, rye, and sourdough." Sourdough bread. Did she just mention sourdough bread? Memories related to sourdough bread rush to the forefront of my mind. Immediately, I'm cascading down a shame and grief spiral and can no longer hear what the waitress is saying, let alone respond. My mood instantly turns dark, and I am flooded with negative thoughts. I'm quickly reminded of the tumultuous ocean my life has become since D-Day; the pain so great that I'm unsure how to continue to bear it....
How often have you done something you didn't want to do? Behavior doesn't always fall in line with motive, and motives behind cheating are vast and complicated. However, I would like to offer insight into the most common questions people ask after an affair. If you're still left wondering, "Why?" take our free Affair Analyzer online for a personalized action plan for surviving infidelity and healing after an affair.
There's no way to determine one single reason; a lifetime can be spent searching for the answer to this question. The complexity lies in the multitude of factors driving the choice. For some, the infidelity is caused by baggage brought into the marriage. For others, it's a bad response to existing marriage problems...
"The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies, it comes from those you trust the most." ~Author Unknown
You are probably familiar with the fable of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. The tale concerns a shepherd boy who intentionally and repeatedly fools villagers into believing a wolf is attacking the town's flock of sheep. He cries, “Wolf! Wolf!” to watch them all come running, but they arrive to find there is no wolf. He does this several times, and eventually, when an actual wolf appears, the boy calls for them in a panic. By this time the villagers no longer believe him so they don’t come, and the sheep are eaten by the wolf. After hearing the same phony claims again and again, no one believed the boy when he was finally telling the truth. He had knowingly told the same lie several times before, but...
Let’s sing a fun, creative, and original song about self care (and discuss it too)! Rodney and Angela in this episode discuss the importance of self care, from the small things to the large. When your life is blown up from infidelity, self care is essential to ensure we don't lose ourselves while working through and recovering from infidelity. We hope you enjoy this Self Care Song!
I am often asked by unfaithful spouses, "What does doing the work mean?" This is a valid question because infidelity recovery can be overwhelming and confusing. Most do not even know where to start. We are not offered a class in college called "Infidelity Recovery 101". I also hear people say, "I am not a sex addict." "I only had one affair." "It was only a one-night stand." "Do I have to do the same type of work?" Below are three evidence-based components of infidelity recovery. They are relevant regardless of the type of affair.
Consider joining Hope for Healing where you'll find community for isolation and healing for shame —and that's just the beginning.
The first...
This article was written by an Affair Recovery alumna who was a betrayed female. We are passionate about our community members sharing their stories and insights as they move through the healing process. We hope the author of this article can be an encouragement and light to you today.
If someone asked me to describe how I felt four years ago when I discovered my husband's infidelity, I would reply with words like indescribable pain and complete shock. But the truth is, these words don't even come close to describing how I truly felt as I watched my whole world crash in around me.
After a summer of sensing that something was not right in our marriage, I finally broke into my husband's email while I was at work one night. My thought had been that I would likely find evidence of...
What Type of Affair Was It?
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