My wife and I went through the same thing. Her attraction lasted for over a year after D-Day, after she had broken off all contact.

We recently completed the Hope For Healing and Harboring Hope courses here at AR and learned about limerence. The following link is a video from 'Samuel' who has had many videos here at AR discussing his unfaithfulness and the effects of limerence.

After watching it my wife told me it was the best explanation of limerence and what she was feeling after her affair.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72NbBKdSoMA

I hope it helps you to understand a little more.

🙏❤️‍🩹

That was my situation as well, but I was the wayward, with residual feelings for the ap. I know from watching my husband, that is a difficult position to be in . He had his own grief, and yet he was watching me grieve the person I acted out with. Very painful and confusing. I agree that limerance is a good thing to learn about. I also heard it called crystalization. For me, I eventually handled my attachment like an addiction. The attachment was 'medicating' something and it was a placeholder for something else I needed in my life.  

Today, my husband and I are several years beyond the affair, but it took a while of waiting while I did work to uncover what I was avoiding and why i could not let go, even though I had cut contact and knew it was the decision I wanted to make. 

If there is anything I can say for sure for myself today, the attachment was not about the ap, even though it seemed like it was. It was about repeating a traumatic experience from childhood, hoping for a different outcome. It was also about an inability to look at my self disgust, to look at my inability to speak up in my "real life," and it was about not wanting to face the fear of maturing and fear of conflict that crippled me in most of my relationships. I was stunted in my life. I blamed, rationalized, and thought I could be different with this person. On some level that had been the solution for ways I needed to change. He was not the solution of course. The real solution was facing me and surrendering to God. Once I made strides toward healing, had safe people to be authentic with, and made real connections in "real life" (aka with myself, my recovery women, God, and eventually my husband), I was able to let go of the ap. I needed to know I wasn't powerless to change my life or how I was in it.

My heart truly breaks for you. As a betrayed spouse myself, I can so relate to much of what you're feeling because I've been there. Betrayal by a spouse is a pain like no other. I always felt words were inadaquate to express the depth of my despair. I'm so very sorry you are forced to walk through something so difficult that was not of your choosing. Psalm 27 is such a powerful example of how we can feel so alone and attacked, and yet God never abandons us. It was easy for me to project the character of my cheating spouse onto God instead of remembering that God is not human, does not make mistakes, and is always faithful. I am praying right now that God would demonstrate his faithfulness to you today, reminding you of His great love for you. This is a difficult road, but you don't have to walk it alone. I found Harboring Hope to be instramental in my healing after my spouse's affairs. The community support I received offered such relief! Knowing I wasn't alone meant everything to me. The Affair Analyzer is also a great, free tool to give you additional insight into your specific situation. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and I hope it continues to bless you.

I feel for you and truly know what you're going through.

My wife's first affair was in 1987. I/we went through multiple therapists who did nothing to address my pain. A couple wanted me to share the blame.

Her 2nd affair was in 2022. She denies it was an affair because I caught on and stopped it after one date (with plans for the next) and about 1,000 text messages.

After this one I stumbled onto this website and got some relief through the Harboring Hope program. I had a great Group Leader and am still in contact with 3 of the 4 members that were in my group.

I also learned about the Gottman Method.

I highly suggest you do a search for a therapist in your area that has been trained in the Gottman Method. Many of these therapists have personal experience in what we're going through.

Prayers for you. Know you're not alone.
❤️‍🩹🙏

Thanks for reaching out. I know exactly how lonely it can feel in the midst of something so traumatic. I've been there. While we do host Harboring Hope calls in a multitude of time zones, with participants from all over the world, the community forums here at Affair Recovery are another way to connect with people who are experiencing the same heartache. There's so much relief in knowing you're not alone. If addiction plays a part in your situation, many have found additional help and support through attending meetings for Al-Anon (for family members of alcoholics) or S-Anon (for family members of sex addicts), either virtually or in person. All of these resources protect the privacy of their participants. While the pain is often overwhelming, there is hope for a brighter future. I wouldn't have thought so seven years ago when my husband blew up our lives, but now I get to live in that reality every day so I know it's true.