Does Porn Count As Cheating? Finding True Intimacy

Does Porn Count As Cheating? Finding True Intimacy

If you’ve discovered your spouse is using porn, you might be asking if your pain is valid or if it’s "really" infidelity. You’re not alone in this painful tension. In episode 12, our expert therapists dive into why porn is a "sanitized" yet still life-shattering form of betrayal, its impact on the relationship, and what true intimacy looks like. Whether you are struggling with a long-term addiction, a different type of infidelity altogether, or wondering if recovery looks different for porn than a physical affair, we offer a path for you to find true intimacy—perhaps even for the very first time.

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Submitted by Corinne (not verified) on 1 month 3 weeks

For many years my husband was obsessed with porn sites involving rubber / silicone dolls. Specifically Asian women. He didn't do a good job hiding it. We never spoke about it.I confronted hi once and he said it meant nothing. It was just a game. I realize now it was his "gateway drug" . It led to first getting foot massages, then next getting full body massages with happy endings and now for the last few years getting fully naked body massages with naked Asian women performing sex acts with him. His porn addiction led to physical contact.

Submitted by Matt66 on 1 month 2 weeks

He admitted it after admitting to using pot with the neighbor. About 2 years later he came home from work to tell me about a 10 month affair he had been having. He eventually admitted to getting erections in the grocery store around young women. Which eventually led to admitting to some nasty chidhood trauma confessions.
These people are broken and they end up destroying us.

Submitted by Bruce C (not verified) on 1 month 3 weeks

Hi Folks, As a recovering porn addict you failed to cover how abusive the addict will become to their partner. How their whole personality changes. Also there was no mention of how it programs their brains to start objectifying women and view every woman as a potential sex partner. On top of that please take a look at the statistics on serial killers and rapists that freely admit they started with porn and it teaches you to view women as just body parts and not human. It was a start but didn't cover the real darkness of porn.

Submitted by Amber_AR on 1 month 2 weeks

Thank you so much for responding here and adding your additional experience and information about the dark road porn can take one down. You are correct. It is risky to tamper with any substance that is so very mood altering, and for some people it escalates beyond what the average person can even  imagine. For an addict, the desire and need for escalation really does eventually become all consuming, and everything inbetween them and their next fix is either usable or expendable. As you said, this is a start, and I know the discussion will continue. 

Submitted by Jaysun (not verified) on 1 month 3 weeks

I love everything that Affair Recovery does, but I feel like this discussion is off track from the majority of what they have written. Opinions of individuals on this panel seem to be driving this content. I believe people of my generation (Gen X) are split in their feelings - some are strongly against porn which aligns with the majority opinion from the older generation and most on this panel. Like many other things that have potential for abuse, I believe porn can be used both responsibly and irresponsibly and the key to it is communication with each other. Something that is not mentioned in this discussion is the fact that people have wildly different levels of sexual drive. This difference should NOT be balanced by someone having sex more often than they desire. Porn could possibly be a tool for this balance (again, with communication).

Most importantly, porn does not belong in the same conversation as betrayal from a sexual relationship with another human. I have personal experience with both. Learning that my wife watched porn was surprising, mostly because she did not communicate it with me. It was surprising and that was the end of it for me. I didn't think about it much after that. Learning that my wife was in a secret emotional and sexual relationship with another person destroyed me. It changed everything about my life and changed who I am as a person. 4+ years later, I still think about it every day of my life. It is worth noting that the worst thing that has ever happened to someone is the worst thing that has ever happened to them, so each situation is different. However, to say that betrayal trauma is the same whether it is about porn or about an actual affair is ignorant and offensive.

Submitted by Kay (not verified) on 1 month 1 week

I absolutely agree with you Jaysun. My spouse did the same except it was over a long period of time and each time I addressed "the elephant in the room" it was lied about. Years later, the admission came and it was the worst thing ever! I cannot understand how a human can not only lie, but for a majority of our marriage. I feel deceived and deeply wounded. The world view feels like it will never be the same again. Even now, I still see "little white lies" from my spouse and don't understand the point of lying because we are not even together! So, I try to tell myself, this person has a character flaw and to not repeat the same mistake of being with someone new that does not have solid ethics and morals.

Submitted by Amber_AR on 1 month 1 week

Thank you for trusting us through the years, thank you for your own commitment to recovery, and thank you for caring enough to speak the "truth in love" concerning this content. I agree, we did not hold to the parameters we set for ourselves, to the expectations we set for you, or to the heart and care we had hoped to convey. We ask for the opportunity to do better, which is not small thing. I am sorry for the distruption this caused for you and others, and we hear you. Thank you once again for fighting for your recovery and for your contributions. 

Submitted by VladL on 2 weeks 2 days

I used porn to release tension and get satisfied because I was not receiving enough sexual attention from my wife. I've learned some things from there that I used into our intimate life to get to both satisfaction and pleasure, but I did not made any abuse. But with all this my wife cheated on me with another men... Now I'm wondering if I done something wrong to deserve this or I was not enough?

Submitted by Lea_AR on 1 week 6 days

Thanks for listening to the podcast. We're so glad you're here. Regardless of what you have or have not done, no one deserves to be betrayed in this way. I'm sorry that happened to you. Our choices define who we are and we are all responsible for our own choices. The beautiful thing is that each day is an opportunity to choose differently.

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