Being Stuck In the Pain, Grief and Loss of the Betrayal

Thank you all for this. I am 13 months past discovery and 10 months past my husband abandoning our marriage and I haven't seen him since. I felt like I was doing much better but 5 days ago I crashed and it felt like I was living it all over again. But I notice I have been rushing myself because that's what people around me have expected and expressed because they don't understand it or just don't get it. I needed the break down of trauma, grieving and grief and mourning.

Not being able to tell my spouse about my pain has been the worst part of all of this. For all of our relationship, I thought we were true partners. I shared my thoughts on things, went around singing, read my writing to him. Nothing ever really seemed "real" until I'd told him! Now all of that is gone. As soon as I confronted him with the evidence, he withdrew and while claims he doesn't want divorce refuses to tell me any truth beyond what I've discovered, and says "I've never apologized for anything in my life and I'm not about to start now." The marriage is over, I cannot live with a man who has no trouble deceiving me.

Sometimes we can get caught up in our own pain that we may overlook the wayward spouse's pain. We have been married 32 years and only a year and a half ago did my husband disclose his infidelity that occurred our entire marriage - I never knew nor had any idea this was going on, completely blindsided by the disclosure and what he had done. But, he also disclosed his childhood trauma at the same time, not as an excuse for his infidelity, but to share his life journey with me - the hidden part. I grieved the betrayal in all the ways that you have talked about in this podcast. It wasn't until recently that my husband shared with me he is learning about humility from his group. We tend to take for granted that the betrayer knows how to navigate life and we don't really see that they do not. I am very close to God, always have been, and I know that humility is the bedrock for life. Then, when he began to talk more about humility something changed in me - I can see that he wants this experience and foundation for life, not like water in a fishing net, but to quench a real thirst. My humble nature was given new life. My husband's grief, trauma, and safety are things he has coveted all his life to survive severe childhood abuse. He doesn't understand the difference between attachment and love. We talk now in a way that is different than before. He is sharing his pain and I thank God for this. I am not a container for that pain, I am a person who is reminded what the love of humanity is all about. Thank you.

I am 30 years past Disclosure Day number 1 and 1 year past Disclosure Day number 2 which brought out another tidal wave of trauma and grief. For me, I have found that the trauma and grief don't have a regular rhythm. That they tend to resurface at unexpected times. Each time brings with it different memories, emotions, and intensity. Sometimes that intensity is overwhelming and sometimes it provides a measure of distance...a. measure of improvement...of the pain not being as great. But there is pain mixed in with a rational response.

My wife and I are still together having built 18 years of shared experiences prior to D1 and another 30 years of shared experiences post D1 and 1 year of shared experiences post D2. It has not been an easy ride, but it has been a worthwhile journey. My wife is remorseful for what she had done. Her trauma is not so much of having the affair, but of having to tell me what happened, of having caused me so much pain. Her grief is one of falling into a typical marital affair, of letting go of her morality, and of hurting me so badly. Her trauma and grief as the wayward spouse is different than mine.

My trauma is built upon every perceived positive moment that she thought she experienced with her affair partner, of her overall betrayal to our marriage, to our kids, and to herself. It requires a lot of patience on the betrayed partner's part to allow the betrayer to unwrap their actions and impact on those around them and to themselves. I found that I needed to let her peel back the moments for discovery and understanding of why she did what she did. Of stripping the unreal varnish of the affair and exposing the raw actions behind it. Through her recovery process I had to endure the realties of the affair. I experience new trauma and grief. But, I felt she was worth the pain to keep our marriage together and to be better partners as we moved forward.

Trauma and grief can be an ongoing thing. I am not certain that they ever truly go away. I do think that they become less intense and more manageable over time.

I love the podcasts. I would like to see one dedicated to triggers. Almost on a daily basis there seems to be a trigger that causes the trauma and grief to resurface. It can be a song, a scene in a movie or tv show, an article in a magazine or newspaper, an observation of a conversation between friends or strangers, a mannerism or reference from your partner and the list goes on.

A podcast on what these triggers are and the different traumas that they trigger, would be interesting. Discussing what a betrayed partner can do in response to these triggers would be extremely beneficial. As partners sometimes you can't help but have a conflicting conversation that is totally unrelated to an affair. That conflict can give rise to anger, which then can jump to feelings about an affair. The anger may at first be totally unrelated to the affair, but then morph into something more.

The important thing is to learn how to not let that unrelated conflict cause either spouse to make angry responses about the affair. For instance the betrayed spouse might say, "you (the wayward spouse) used to say these things about me when you had your affairs. How do I know you're not going to cheat on me again?" A podcast expounding on how to handle this and all of the other triggers would be helpful.

What do you do if you watch a scene together and the scene is close to home depicting some aspect of your own affair experience? What don't you do? What don't you say? How do you give yourself a timeout to edit your knee jerk response? The betrayer partner may have no clue that what you are watching may stir up such painful memories. Do you excuse yourself from the couch, do you tell your partner what you are experiencing, do you use therapy tools to sit there and let the moment and feelings pass without any physical reaction on your part? There seems to me to be a lot of material for a future podcast to address.

Partner unable to connect and understand in the same way.

I am almost exactly 1 year from discovery day and the affair lasted the first 10-11 months of our relationship. The worst 4 weeks that have caused a lot of trauma for me, crushed my self worth and self image, destroyed the little amount of confidence I had, and so much more -- She literally can not remember. Therapist said she went into survivor mode and fully disassociated during that time. It seems she will never be able to actually understand my pain and while she is trying hard and putting in a lot of work, that not remembering and being able to connect with all those terrible moments that I experienced, really hurts.