His Addiction, Her Affair: Healing When Both Are Betrayed

I am a regular viewer of the podcasts and fully appreciate the honesty and openness that the guests provide to the listeners.

Ryan and Jessica's experience, particularly Jessica's, hit home with my own experience with my wife. We have been married for 47 years. My wife had an affair with her boss 30 years ago. I had never cheated on my wife and in fact, based upon her insistence that I always disclose the truth to her about other women, always told her if a woman had been aggressive toward me. I did not do this to make her jealous. I complied with her request of full disclosure to honor her wishes. It turns out that even though I always told the truth, and I never once was tempted by other women's advances, the disclosures unbeknownst to me stoked her lack of trust in me. It became a huge burden for her which I had no idea was happening.

At the time of her affair our marriage had the typical stresses of work, kids, finances, and the feeling that each of us did not empathize with the other's daily life and stresses. We both felt under-appreciated and taken for granted. For me, it was a wake up call that our marriage needed some tending to and that I needed to look at myself to see how I could improve as a husband. I did that and she acknowledged my efforts (but never stated that at the time) - yet she still had made a conscious decision to have the affair.

Long story short, I confronted. her about the affair at the end of the summer 30 years ago. She admitted an emotional affair but no more. Due to her having a brain bleed 29 years later, her guard went down and she finally admitted the physical aspect of her affair. I had suspected that there was a physical aspect to her affair all of that time, but she would never admit to it. Finally, I felt like I got most of the truth from her. As painful as it was to hear those words almost 30 years later, it lifted a burden for me. Even though I had to painfully deal with with D2 it was worth it.

What was interesting about this podcast was Jessica's description of her affairs and the motivation to have them. Jessica stated it wasn't about revenge, but was instead based upon "attention and validation ". That it was "like a drug". That it made her feel "appreciated " and attractive. Yet Jessica felt "confused" and couldn't understand how she "went against her own values". That she felt "guilt and was ashamed" but she could not stop the affair.

Jessical also mentioned that she did not disclose the full truth to Ryan because she was afraid that he would leave the marriage. She did not want to give him the right to choose. She wanted to bury the details and start over, only to find herself relapsing into another affair soon after moving.

Jessica finally realized that she had a "pattern of lying". She admitted that even if Ryan had not disclosed his addiction to porn, she probably still would have had an affair.

Jessica's story was nearly a carbon copy of what my wife through. Even though I did not have an affair, nor an addiction to porn, my disclosure of other women's advances toward me built resentment. Combined with the stress of other things happening in our marriage at the time, my wife was ripe to fall for her bosses' unrelenting flattery. It was not my fault that she had the affair and to that she agrees. Her understanding took a many years and required a lot of work and self reflection on her part. It was very painful for my wife to see what she did was not justified. Her pain from her actions, and of hurting me so badly, still resonates today.

The podcast served as a validation of sorts for me as to what my wife was experiencing at the time of the affair. It helps to put her actions into perspective and validates her reasoning. I am thankful for Jessica's honesty and openness.

The podcasts continue to be a useful tool for me. Like Ryan, I have always loved my wife and never seriously considered leaving the marriage. I. have never considered revenge sex as it would solve nothing and just exasperate the problem. It has required a lot of patience on my part to wait for my wife to have an awakening. The pain still exists for both of us, but it has not destroyed our marriage. The marriage has grown and adapted into a stronger one.

My wife swore on our kids lives that she did not have a physical relationship with her boss. The consequence will be that I will never blindly trust her, sad as that may be. BUT, I do have faith in her and believe that she will continue to put our marriage first and not fall prey to another man's advances. Her reasons for her having an affair is not simple. It includes many other things that had happened to her as a child living with dysfunctional parents. People's decisions and behaviors are based upon a myriad of factors and go deep into therapy. They are not simply based upon jealousy.

Thank you again for the podcasts. I look forward to each and every one.

JanP