Q&A Have I Done Enough on My Part to Try and Heal ‘Us’?

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30 years together, I’m 51. D-Day was ten months ago of a 2 ½ year emotionally and sexually involved relationship with a subordinate. My husband has struggled with pornography throughout our relationship. He’s had three emotional affairs two involving shared pornography and two were women he had professional supervision over. All I wanted was honesty for healing. We attended the EMS Weekend. I’m now in week 2 of Harboring Hope. He swears each time that a new discovery is made there’s nothing else, he seems genuinely sorry for the pain we both feel, so I give him grace and we’ve carried on with healing, despite the significant number of D-Days and changes in storyline. He’s been adamant his affair is over with last contact with affair partner 9 months ago. However, I just discovered a saved email declaring love from affair partner dated 6 months ago along with 20 saved explicit voice mails. I also found thousands of dollars stashed under his mattress. It’s so unsettling and sneaky. Prior to these discoveries, I would say we’ve been making significant progress, though my request for a written disclosure has gone unanswered for three months. I’ve now given him until this weekend or he will have to move out. I feel sad that despite an upward trend in intimacy, he’s still lying to me, and I still believe there will be honesty someday. I feel like I’m in a never-ending spin cycle. Have I done enough on my part to try and heal “US”?



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