Q&A How Can I Ever Desire My Mate When I Can't Forget What Happened?

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Question: 

My husband and I have been married for ten years and we have four children. He lived a double life for nine of those years. He had a pornography addiction that led to three affairs. He says the affairs were only physical and there was no emotional attachment. He had sex with these women in his office at work, in his car at work and worse, in two of our homes. I feel he has defiled every part of my life. Nothing is sacred, safe or private. He has repented and completely changed. If I was to give him a grade in his recovery process I would give him a 100. He has done everything he can to earn my trust again including quitting his job, throwing his cellphone into the river, confessing to our church, relocating, changing his career and building us a new house. I know there are betrayed women who think “wow, I wish my husband would do that!” The problem is I don’t care. None of these things “move me” even a little. I am numb to him and everything he does. I don’t want a man who has seen the things he’s seen and done the things he’s done. He repulses me. I no longer have any desire for him and many times I find myself wishing he wouldn't have “gotten right” but that we would have just gone our separate ways. That would have been easier. I hate myself for feeling this way. I want to be a good wife and mother but it seems impossible because of this. I am choosing every day to love, forgive etc. but the desire is gone. My marriage is purely a daily choice. Not what anyone wants. I feel like the only reason I have made it this long is because of our children. I am currently in Harboring Hope. Will I ever genuinely desire him again or am I doomed to be just always “stuck in this marriage“. How can I ever desire him when I can’t forget?

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