Q&A How Do I Handle the Behavior before D-Day?

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It’s 15 months since D-Day. My marriage of 15 years has been troubled by my husband having several affairs, extensive pornography use in the early years, comparing me to women in the media for years and telling me exactly how I didn't match up. None of the earlier things had been addressed and now after this D-Day I feel the weight of all of this on me as we work on recovery. I have experienced additional emotional abuse up throughout the past year. I have body image issues which affect me every day and counsellors have told me that they couldn't support me while I was living with my husband the way he was behaving. All this and more - I have not seen anywhere on this site an additional thing I have experienced and don't even know how to say it or where to start to heal it. My husband has had two episodes in our marriage where he has assaulted me sexually. His behavior at the time was erratic and he cannot recall much. I on the other had can recall some parts very well. One of these times was during his most recent affair. I am struggling to know where to begin with recovery for this in our relationship, if it is at all possible. All these issues seem merged in together now and I don't know how to walk the journey of recovery from the affair without addressing this. My husband believes the shame of these actions was a factor in his affair. He didn't want to address it and it provided an out for him. He is working on his shame and recovery has taken a positive shift recently although he still falls into old behaviors at times. When he becomes cold and dismissive and I ask him to stop I get terrible intrusive thoughts if he doesn't. I'm wondering if this is linked to the assaults.



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