Q&A How Exactly Does One Transform the Pain?

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Question: 

I am 18 months post-disclosure of my husband’s 2.5 year affair. Within a week of this he also confessed having a several-month affair 12 years earlier and another encounter 9 year earlier with the same woman. My husband insists he did not love this woman and that he became "addicted" to the feeling of her wanting him sexually. The woman lived in other states, so it occurred during "business" trips my husband took (many of them made-up) and through phone and video sex. I never suspected the affair and the bottom dropped out when I my husband told me about it which was roughly two weeks after he ended it, after contracting herpes from her. We have been married for 20 years. We have done EMS weekend, Faithful and True weekends (both my husband and I, individually), and we both continue to have individual counselors and a marriage counselor. I am currently in Harboring Hope. Despite everything, I still have so much pain and sorrow and hurt. Every week or so I have an episode of anger or sadness that is pretty severe. We learned at EMS that "pain that is not transformed will be transmitted" and I keep transmitting it to my husband, who has been remorseful and has wanted our marriage since the disclosure. Despite the work he is doing and his improving empathy, and everything I'm doing, I still have so much pain I can't bear it at times. How exactly does one "transform" the pain?

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